I Don't Know How to Take it Easy on Myself

So, lots of thoughts swirling through my head, as usual.

I moved Monday. There you have it - that embodies the title of the post right there :-). Yes, why was I moving again, you ask? Because I don't know how to take it easy on myself. No, actually more because of logistics. Although I liked where I was and my roommate enjoyed me as a roommate, she's leave Nov 17 for 4 months and wants a sublettor for that whole time. So I had to vacate. Wasn't fun coming home from a weekend away and having to pack up all my belongs again - ugh. But I tried to focus on the positive - the new place is spacious, in a fabulous neighborhood (Union Square) which is where I wanted to live anyway, and the new roommate seemed like she would give me more privacy. So anyway, I go through the pain of packing things up (I just put a huge dirty clothes bag straight into 1 suitcase :-) - fun). I also went running along the water in the late morning, and tho it was 50 degrees, I went in a t-shirt and shorts. Which was perfect! I thoroughly enjoyed my run, although I wish it wasn't still difficult and made me feel slow. But I made it. Then I biked my bike to my new place (carried it down 2 flights to ride it, then up 3 to my new place). Finally when I was ready, went to my favorite coffee shop in the Village to do some work the rest of the day. Then my friend Mo came to help me move (with car) around 8:30. It was so AWESOME to have his help - wow, it just made it so much easier. Good times. He really liked my new spacious place with books and plants and arabic/african art and blankets everywhere.

So what do I do, but go out walking looking for dinner, feeling a bit lonely. And who do I run into by chance in Union Square? (I know a handful of people here, so it's not too hard to run through the list.). Rishi! He's the Indian guy - friend of Emina's that we hung out with a bit! So good to see him - right when I'm down, some little thing picks me up and shows me the world can be forgiving. Anyway, he invited me to an Indian Divali party this weekend, so I think I'm going to check that out - yippee! And though there are tons of restaurants around my new place (and stores I want to check out), I go to one I've been to (Coffee Bar) and get a Cobb Salad for dinner. And afterwards good friend Christine calls me back after her class, and we have a good chat. It's so nice to have friends who are there for you :-). Another perk me up. So I go back to my new abode, and try to organize a little. I don't know if the heat works there -it's chilly. And I never saw my roommate that night, so I had no sheets yet, so I just slept on the futon with my 1 blanket and 1 I found and using my sweatshirt as a pillow, trying to stay warm with many layers of clothing on. The place is big and quiet. But there's a huge skylight way above me, and I hear rain pattering all night.

So Tuesday - work has been frustrating, but there might've been a breakthrough. More like I can stop waiting for some piece of the project done by someone else. We'll see. Then I have to do laundry after work. So on the way home (brrr cold - a cold front's come in and it's very chilly) I pick up some excellent Thai food - green curry with eggplant :-). Get my laundry ready, and because I've waited 3 weeks, haul the heavy bags bit by bit down the street to the close laundromat. Of course I get there, and it's closing (it's 8:20pm). The close one at my old place closed at 10 so I didn't think about it. So since I need laundry done and I can't carry the heavy bags anymore, I grab a cab and pay $7 for him to take me to a laundromat a couple avenues away that's still open. Ugh. Finally doing the laundry - was pretty painless there. Wish I didn't want like 1/2 my stuff air-dried, and I could just drop it off for them to wash for me! Anyway, done at 10, about ready to grab a cab home and pay the overhead, when the laundromat itself closes and the guy offers me a ride home. Why he has a car while living on 29th and working on 15th is beyond me. Now, mind you, scenes from Law and Order flash through my head: Unknown blonde girl left dead in alley. But I had had such an annoying day so far, and this was a glimmer of help. So I took him up on his ride home, and I'm fine :-). I refused his help to carry stuff up to my apartment - thought that was prudent, but the ride was nice. Glad to have clean clothes and be back in my place and organize a bit! Although wish it were warmer... But my roommate has since made up my bed for me which is nice of her :-).

But something pissed me off - I came home (to get my laundry) and roomie had moved all my suitcases to one corner of the room. Now given I had left them sort of all over, but she had said it was my room to do what I wanted with it, and she woudln't come in at all (even though it's the living room/kitchen). That mornign she had said the exterminator was going to come the next day, and could I move my stuff a bit so he could spray. I said fine, that I'd do it after work. Then I come home and she's moved my stuff!! I'm sorry this perturbs me so, but my last roommate moved my stuff, too, and I HATE it! It's MY stuff - I don't go into your room and move your stuff around. And I can't find anything after they do this. And it's a breach of privacy in my mind... Ugh. In the end it's not a big deal... I cleaned and organized more the rest of the night, but it made me sorta mad. Oh well.

Oh yeah - and the TV doesn't work in my new place, although she said I could plug it in and get basic channels if I wanted. I dont' watch much, and I thought about trying to take a break from TV altogether while I'm there, but it's just too comforting sometimes. And I only get 2 Netflix at a time! Anyway :-). And the lady doesn't eat at home AT ALL! There are sorta cups, and I asked about bowls for cereal, but she pointed to like Chinese rice bowls. We might have a couple utensils. Fun new place :-). But it's all an adventure.

Which brings me to this: I really haven't learned how to take it easy on myself. Don't know exactly when I transitioned, but I feel like I should be challenging myself, taking the harder road, learning, pushing all the time. That's why I don't let myself stop moving. Gotta do all there is to do in New York - enjoy it all and see it all (not really - it's impossible). Gotta try every ethnicity, and visit neighboring cities while I'm here (although I gave myself a break on Niagra). Gotta walk everywhere and not take cabs. Gotta save money. Gotta work out 5-6 times a week. All these gottas. Even my relationship, in retrospect, was a challenge. The whole adage "it should be easy". Maybe? It's not that straight-forward all the time. Feelings are tricky, and all relationships take work. But of course I picked a person to fall in love with who has this challenging personality - this way of communicating that is hard to understand and seems harsh to my personality. Both strong-willed too. Always a challenge. So are me and my expectations for myself. Not sure why I fight so much. Not sure why I insist. I do a lot of travelling, which is usually not the easiest thing in the world (tiring). But you see, a lot of these things have benefit, give happiness back. And that's definitely worth it. But you gotta do the analysis (me being so analytical). Exercise, I feel, gives great payback, so I fight for it. Travel can give great payback, but it gets exhausting. Depends on what it's for. So see - I've realized (and said before) that people matter to me the most. I fight so hard, and I need to reward myself sometimes. And besides through sweets (which have guilt all their own), my happiest reward to myself is through people - feeling love. I traveled to Illinois so much in the past because even though it was disruptive, uprooting, chaotic, and inconvenient, it brought me to the 1 person who could just give me such joy (and seeing auxilary people up in Illinois). That was my reward. And somehow with him I felt I could just totally relax. There's that theme again of being able to relax around people who really know you. Anyway... I think in New York I'm growing more tired of the challenge, because there is less reward. Don't get me wrong - there is reward. I see acts of kindness, especially from the few friends I have, and they mean so much to me! But it's never entirely relaxing, never entirely rewarding. Need more love :-). I can travel to Philadelphia and see the city and love the walking around, and love experiencing history, and get some reward for seeing a new place, trying a new food. But it's not as great as the reward of experiencing it with people I love, and who love me.

ADDITION: But I do have hope. And I am really proud of myself for doing the challenging thing. I feel like I'm a better person for it. I HAVE learned a lot! And experienced a lot. And I'm grateful (greatful?). Go me :-).

So there's my analysis, doc. Anyone have ideas, though, on how else to take it easy on myself? Change my expectations? Right :-). 4 weeks folks...

Weekend in Maryland and Philadelphia

[Posted 2 at once, so look for previous post on Halloween.]

So I had to walk to the subway, then take the subway, then walk again - took longer than I thought. And I went to some random street corner in Chinatown to catch my cheap bus. These ladies were standing there going "You want bus - hurry get on now." Literally just a bus on a corner - I gave them $20 to go to Baltimore, and they ushered me on the bus and told me it was leaving soon. Instead it was pretty full already and it left 15 minutes before I thought it was scheduled to leave. I was really hoping it'd actually stop in Baltimore because it was the bus to DC. So I wrote emails, wrote blog, read a paper, and slept my 3.5 hours away, and suddenly we were in Baltimore and they just dropped us at a random street corner there too! How strange. I waited in a McDonalds for Christine (we were early), and then she was there! It was great talking and catching up with her. We are best friends, and she just KNOWS me and there's so much comfort in that. And as she said "Jenn, we are the same." Twins separated at birth, I said :-). Except her curly hair is dark... Anyway, it was fun to talk. We went home and waiting for her husband Jeff to come home, then went to dinner in very cute downtown Annapolis at Buddy's Ribs and Crabs. Yum - Maryland crab cakes :-). Then on Christine's behest we baked a triple chocolate fudge cake for the following day. We never could figure out the 3rd chocolate (it had chips in it). It was fun :-). Felt very domestic. Then we watched a movie - I took forever to look through their movie collection and pick, but we watched "The Sum of All Fears" which was really good. Christine fell asleep, but I made it :-).

We had a late night that night, and then I had to check on work stuff at the end, so I slept in until 11:30 on Saturday morning. :-). It was great sleep though! Something about suburbia and darkness, and a comfortable spacious room, and warmth, no noise = good sleep. Was nice to do that, although I felt a little bad that it limited what we did for the day. But I finally got ready and we left to get a very delicious Lebanese lunch (which Christine and I love but Jeff doesn't). I got lamb fatteh which has lamb chunks, chick peas, pine nuts, and pita chips all in a yogurt sauce - tasty. And they made their own fresh wheat pitas which were awesome. I enjoyed our chat about Harry Potter and the failures of the 1-3 Star Wars movies. Then we had a great conversation about the perils of grad school on the way to Christine's football game. So Jeff and I watched her play touch football which was really fun! Just hanging out - it was slightly chilly, but the sun was out. We cheered them on, and Christine scored 3 out of their 4 touchdowns! Rock! Fun to encourage the team, and because I had my camera it was requested that I take the group picture too :-). They played well - fun times. And btw, they have some beautiful fall colors on trees around here too! Then we went back to Christine's house to meet up with friends for dinner. Amy and Ryan who had come up to NYC for Wicked came, and Amy's husband. We went out for a nice dinner at "Four Seasons Grill". They had a really good menu where I wanted to try many things. We got this shrimp appetizer with spicy sauce over zucchini which was good. Then I got scallop ginger risotto (almost got veal scallopini instead). It was very tasty, although I've had better risotto. But it was fun to hang out with everybody. It strikes me that I was not in New York. For one, a lot of conversation is about the government and politics and campaigns (Amy's husband does campaigning down here). For another, we drive everywhere - everything is spread out and there's more suburbia and lots of large strip malls. It's what I grew up in, and it is slightly soothing. I think a lot of the way New York is is based on the limited space there, and the premium for space. Things are closer together, shops are smaller, you can walk more places, etc. Different. But anyway - we had a nice dinner, then went back to Christine's and hung out and had cake. Did I mention I ate too many sweets at Christine's? It was too tempting - she had a bag of leftover Halloween candy too :-). But the cake was delicious - I actually liked the white cream cheese frosting better than the chocolate. Christine had frosted it in a checker pattern :-). Fun. Then the friends left. They are really nice people. I kept thinking that I felt really comfortable there - like these are "my kind of people". That's a nice feeling; comforting. I told Christine maybe I should move close to her because it'd be fun. I want to encourage her to do a triathlon and that would be easier if we could train together! But yeah, good times. So we watched another movie - put in Star Trek #6. But this time I quickly fell asleep :-). Christine fell asleep too, though!

So we got an extra hour of sleep - yay! And I actually had to pay attention to daylight savings because I had to catch a 8:48am train to Philadelphia! So I was sad to leave - short visit with Christine, but still a quality one. Always fun. Good friends :-). I wanted her to come to Philly with me, but she had homework to do. So now - off to Philly!

So let me just say - do what I say, not what I do. I don't recommend anyone actually walk around Philly for the whole day with a backpack, purse, coat, and rolly weekend bag (with laptop) to carry the whole time. It's exhausting! But I made it :-). Good adventures. So took Amtrack up to the city, then metro to get to the Independence Hall area. Went and picked up tickets for the Independence Hall tour, then walked over to see a Quaker meeting house and Ben Franklin's grave. Wow, was Ben Franklin a really influential man! I'm impressed by him. Did you know he was basically our first ambassador to France and got us a lot of money from them for the American Revolution? And he also had severe gout? And little education? Awesome :-). Anyway, went through and saw the Liberty Bell. Love it's symbolism - they used it as a symbol against slavery even. But the actual bell is smaller than I thought. Then went to my tour of the building where the Declaration of Independence was written and the Constitution was signed. Crazy that it all started in these small rooms where 13 men came to meet. Saw the tomb of the unknown soldier, saw a court house and the philosopher's house. Saw some old merchant's house and a trading house. Then found the City Tavern - ah, one of my favorites :-). I needed food, and it was a historic relic too! All the waiters were wearing colonial garb, and most of their foods were ala that time - stews and duck and all. I had a cool beer sampler with 4 beers: George Washington Tavern Porter, Thomas Jefferson's 1774 Tavern Ale, Poor Richard's Ale (my favorite - not hoppy and like molasses), and Philadelphia Pale Ale. Then I got a pepperpot soup with beef and taro and greens. And a bread plate - which I loved. The bread was awesome - one piece was made with molasses, and another were little dense circles of bread with nuts that they saw was T Jefferson's recipe for sweet bread or something. Tasty :-).

So after putting some good stuff in my tummy, I sauntered over and saw the water. Then walked up to see Elfrath's Alley where they had preserved 18th Century houses and the narrow street with cobblestones. They were all different colors and very close together and cute. They all had their own sort of symbol or crest posted on them. Quaint! Then I went through Betsy Ross's house - only thing I actually paid for. It was cute and the people were nice. Can't believe she operated in such small quarters! And in secret... Then went through Ben Franklin court where his house used to be and he owned a lot of merchant/rental houses. Then back to Independence Square where I saw the first and second banks of the US, and the Carpenter's Hall which was big back during revolutionary time. So yeah - I covered all the historical buildings pretty much :-). Then decided to head out of historical old downtown and go west. Walked along Market Street until I hit City Hall which is a massive, ornate building in the middle of the city. There was a very beautifully carved Masonic Temple on a corner there, and on another corner was Love Park. That's where - if you've heard of it - a famous sculptor did a "Love" scuplture - just with the word itself. It's famous - looks like:
LO
VE
(with the O tipped). I've seen it on stamps and stuff. So, that was neat. Then I walked over (via some shopping streets) to Rittenhouse Square which a friend had told me was a cute area. It probably would've been except with daylight savings I got there around 5:15 and it was already dark! So not a lot going on in this park, but it was nice. So I had walked basically from almost 0 (the river) to almost 19th - across the whole city! And then I wanted to go get a Philly cheesesteak from this place on 4th street, so I walked down to South Street and over back to 4th! Lots of walking - exhausting :-). But as I got closer to 4th, there were a lot of funky stores along South Street that were fun to see - restaurants and clothing stores and bars and lots of young people :-). I finally made it to my Philly cheesesteak place (Jim's) and thought I could finally rest. Well, I stood in line for like 20 minutes to get a cheesesteak! Place was crowded - locals liked it I heard. But chatted a bit with the people around me (remarkable how a Texas sweatshirt will start conversations) in line. Anyway, finally got my cheesesteak - I chose American cheese NOT Cheese Whiz. Don't know if that's cheating, but who likes Cheese Whiz? It's like plastic! And then I got onions and red peppers and mushrooms - yum :-). Decided just to take it to go and grabbed a cab (finally no walking!) to Chinatown to grab my bus. I just didn't want to wait a whole hour for the next bus to leave - wanted to catch the 7pm bus. Which I made it for, however, it was late and departure was pushed back to 7:30 so it didn't matter. But when I did finally get the bus stuff settled, I wolfed down my Philly cheesesteak and boy was it tasty! Yay :-). Food makes me quite happy. So all in all a great day in Philly! I think I experienced A TON in a small amount of time. I got here around 10:20 am and adventured until 7pm while carrying all my stuff. I'm pretty impressed with myself :-). Now I'm on the 2.5 hour bus ride back to NY and happy to be sitting. Who can beat a $10 bus ride back?!

Ok, this is really long - better sign off. Tomorrow: moving to Union Square area. I'm sad to do this because my roommate and I were becoming friends and I'll miss her, and my neighborhood. Plus moving is never fun, but it'll be my last in NYC! And after that I hope I have a lower key life for awhile! Jenn out.

P.S. I hurt the back of my knee ligament while biking last night - feels strained. Boo :-(. Walking all day didn't particularly help it...

Halloween + play

So, although I didn't feel like it, I went out on Halloween night in Manhattan. How could I not? I live in the Village where most of the celebration happens anyway, and I heard people party all night this particular night (even though it was a Wednesday). There is a parade up 6th Ave which isn't far from where I live. So after I got home from work I slightly dressed up (red Chinese top, boots, chopsticks in my hair, and black lipstick - using Mary's trick of eyeliner), and went out on the town. I got there an hour after the parade actually started, but it didn't seem to matter. My street, Christopher street was blocked off anyway - closed to traffic. And people were already out in force in all sorts of costumes. Wonderwoman was a popular costume. Of course, guys dressing up as beautiful women was plentiful in my neighborhood. Then there were the winged creatures, and the traditional dark figures of Halloween. But boy were people out in force and crazy. There was no way to cross 6th, and cops were swarming around the area anyway doing crowd control. They were doing that on 7th Ave. too. So there was a huge swarm of people actually on 6th when I got there. I did stop at a cart to get a skewer of chicken :-). But wow - people brought carts to stand on so they could see the parade, so as a short individual several rows back it was really hard to see. I wandered around for awhile trying to figure out how to see and looking at people in the process :-). Took some pictures of crazy costumes. Then I finally wiggled into a spot where I could see the parade. I took some pictures - will try to post the best ones, but it was really hard for the pictures to turn out well. It was dark, so I tried flash, but it would illuminate the people's heads in front of me instead of the parade things 30 feet away. But I got some good pictures. There were some fantastic floats - people on stilts and bands and groups with ghosts or birds or some theme held up high on sticks. There were trucks that held a whole bunch of people - or a band playing. One such band was "Witches in Bikinis" - there were like 6 girls in bikinis singing, each had a different color on and a matching wig of hair :-). Of course there were the requisite very skimpily dressed people. Saw several Austin Powers. My favorite was the few groups of people impersonating subway cars :-). Several robots. Saw a really neat peacock person. And some people even had their dogs dressed up walking with them - one was a lion. Saw an atlas, many pope/bishops, Mr. Incredible, a keg, many ladybugs, several people dressed up as a penis, jedi, very cool adam and eve costumes, Gi Joe and a gigantic hand (I wasn't sure about that one), saw lego men which were awesome. There was a good one of George Bush that had a toilet seat around his neck with a sign saying "Sewage W. Bush, after he talks, then you flush". I actually finally got to the barrier that held people away from the street. There was a cop in the street right in front of us making sure people didn't hop the barrier and cross the street. I don't know what the problem with that was - a lot of the parade was just people walking in costumes. So we played tricks on Mr. Cop and snuck people through :-). That was funny. So basically general madness and huge crowds - all out for fun and for dressing up. After awhile (standing there over 2 hours) I decided to bail. I met up with Mo (softball guy) who had a really hard time crossing 6th (he lives on the East side, me on the West). But he finally found me and we walked through the west side to my neighborhood, passing more characters and just huge numbers of people along the way. It was about 10:30 at this point. We hit huge crowds around 7th Ave and had to push our way through to cross. Crazy. We went to my local bar that I really like - The Otheroom. It's small and neighborhoody and has good beer and wine. There of course there were people in costume - saw a penguin (reminded me of the Linux penguin), and a guy walked in who was a shower - literally had metal bars around his head from which hung a white shower curtain. I kept wondering if he had clothes on underneath :-). We had a beer or 2 then decided to bail because we are lame and it was a school night :-). But walking around Hudson at 12:15am there were still huge crowds out, bars were full, the streets were full of people - no change. This city really never sleeps! I heard it'd be crazy. Bars close around 4am and I have no doubt many people stayed out that late that night. Altho surprisingly they didn't keep me up outside my window. Nice. It was a nice Halloween - I'm glad I got to experience the craziness even if I wasn't that into it myself!

Thursday was fun. Ramon, carpool guy, wanted to come home early from work unexpectedly. So we left around 4:15 and got back around 5:30 (traffic - ugh). He was stressed out about work and asked if I wanted to hang out before my show at 8. So I suggested dinner because I'm trying to stay away from too many beer calories. So we went to a favorite restaurant of his - a fish place called Pearl's Oyster Bar (I think). It was a cute little restaurant - really fresh seafood. I like the fact that menus here are little and they have specials written on a chalkboard nearby. So this place was pretty nice, but informal with really good service and good food. We both got a bowl of clam chowder (with smoked bacon - yum). And the tables came already set with oyster crackers which I thought was funny. Then Ramon got grilled bass and I got a lobster roll on his recommendation. I thought I'd just get fish, but I hadn't had this before, and he said this was really common in Maine and this restaurant did it awesomely. He said it used to be that lobster were really cheap so this was really common to get on the street - mostly poor people ate it, and they gave it to prisoners. But it was on a toasted bun, and lumps of lobster perfectly cooked were pilled high on it with light sauce - some mayo perhaps? I don't know, but it was slightly rich and wonderfully delicious :-). Ramon actually offered to pay! Feel bad because he's already driving me to work everyday (altho I buy gas), but was honored for the offer. Nice guy. Fun to have friends from every different realm of life. So we parted and I went to my off-Broadway play at the Acorn Theater!

The play was called "Things We Want" and directed by Ethan Hawke (but unfortunately he wasn't there). There were 3 brothers dealing with their issues in the play, then 1 neighbor girl - that's it. It was a small theater too, so we were close to the stage which was fun. I knew 2 of the guys in it - one is a famous midget and the other is the son in "Little Miss Sunshine" (movie). So basically the play is set in the home the 3 brothers grew up in, but their parents both killed themselves in the house, and the brothers are now grown and dealing with life. 2 are alcoholics, and the 3rd is always dealing with women problems and perpetually heartbroken and wanting to sulk. I like the themes, and tho it was a bit dark, was very funny. I liked the characters, but I felt it could've been better acted. Plus, although the play had some neat themes, it seemed to just end. What's up with that - is that a new popular way to end stories? Because it urks me. I wondered what the point of it was... But I was still glad I saw the play. Pretty fun. Although I think I'll wait awhile to see more plays - you can get an overload, especially if you don't know the quality of the play you are getting. So walked my 3 miles home :-). It was a chilly night, but not too bad.

Got up early today to exercise - went biking at 8:30am! And let me tell you was that a stupid idea. Apparently it's windy EVERY time I want to go biking. I guess it doesn't help that I bike along the river. But it can just bite through you, and it makes my eyes water. I had my fingerless biking gloves on, but then my fingers were freezing, and my toes too. But I did warm up as I go, but my face got more and more chapped. I ended up going up to my old neighborhood again - 95th St., then turned around. The way back was WAY better - fantastic! I booked it and went (I felt) twice as fast as when I was fighting the wind. Or maybe the wind had abated, but it was way more fun and slightly warmer :-). So proud of myself for that. Then I got ready, and went to my favorite neighborhood coffee shop (yay!) that had now perfected their apple-pumpkin bread. Stayed there an hour before I took off to find the bus to ride down to Maryland to visit Christine!

Apology

[Forward teaser - at the bottom is a link to my Montreal pics!]

Hey All - I just wanted to apologize for my last post. Not that it's not true - I am dealing with some stuff and brooding a lot and all. But I did not need to be as morose and negative about it. I tend to do that - don't know why I make drama out of things. And yes, it's been brought to my attention that I mostly talk about the negative side of things (because that's the side I need to get out to deal with and get help with), but I don't always express all the positive.

So I am happy. This week has been a lot better. I'm really glad Naveen and I have been talking. It's not always easy, but it really does open my eyes and challenge me a lot. And I know it seems like a lot of philosophizing, Mom, but I really do enjoy that and see it as a way to grow, as a way to understand different people and being human. Getting down to the heart of who you are can be difficult (and isn't always explanable), but I like the privilege :-). Although at first I have a hard time dealing with these things that are pointed out that sort of seem like deep parts of me - I turn inward and do some self-deprecating and say I'm all a mess - it's not really true. I am a strong person with great people around me, but my foundation was just slightly rocked and I haven't figured out how to put it into perspective yet. I'm not suddenly a bad person, though. And I need to not negatively dramatize it as much. I have been realizing more recently that I can have a powerful effect on people just by the mood I am in, so I have to pay attention. I wonder how many people are in general aware of their mood changes as they interact with people, and how those reflect back - how you can really change other's moods?

Anyway - he's a happy top N list of things in my life now (in no particular order):
1. Being experimental with vegetables lately and the wonderful farmer's markets here.
2. Getting the chance to live in Manhattan - how privileged am I?!
3. Living here for 6 months and 2 very different seasons, and in 3 different neighborhoods - lots of breadth which is really fun :-).
4. Wearing new clothes I bought here 3 of 4 days this week :-).
5. Actually finding a couple of cool New Yorkers who are really good people and who are nice to me.
6. Having exercised 4-7 times per week consistently for over a year now - go me!
7. Getting random people's attention (males) - sometimes it's fun :-). Today I got told I look like (older actress) Juliet Prowse.
8. Wearing new earrings I got in Montreal today - really pretty! Metal fired with lots of colors.
9. Walking everywhere.
10. Awesome close family and friends around me who tell me they care about me every week and can't wait to see me.
11. A planned trip to see my family for Christmas - can't wait to go back to AZ!
12. Enjoying what I do, even if research is frustrating, and working with people I admire.
13. Going back to Austin in less than 5 weeks now!
14. Being strong willed - yes, it's a positive.
15. Loving some wonderful people.
16. Not burning bridges - hopefully even strengthening them ;-).


Also - I will post later about cooking eggplant (it succeeded), the CRAZINESS that is Manhattan Halloween and the parade, and tonight - going out to seafood and an off-Broadway play. I'm doing too much to keep up with it in my blog!

Bonus: Montreal pics!

http://www1.snapfish.com/share/p=50111193976265901/l=320145333/g=50971540/otsc=SYE/otsi=SALB

Yay, Jenn

It's Not You, It's Me - aka I'm Broken

Well, the subject could be true, probably. Too many things swirling around in my head, but let me first tell you about my weekend.

Back in NYC - rainy NYC at that. Got up late Saturday. After moseying around the house for awhile, I finally got up and went out. I'd been craving a cinnamon bun-like breakfast, so I wandered awhile in the rain until I found one. You wouldn't believe how hard they are to find - danishs and bagels and muffins are easy... Anyway. Tasty treat, but sugary. And I find raisins very sweet. Anyway, I continued on my walk to Union Square for the fabulous Farmer's Market that I love so much. I don't know what it is, but really I found that that is a sure fire way to cheer me up - take me to a farmer's market where there's fresh, local, seasonal good stuff :-). Awesome. I can spend all my money there... Got some eggplant - going to try to cook it. My new experiment. I want to try brussel sprouts next. Oh and I had some nifty pear cider there. Ah, fall. Loaded up with good stuff (actually too much!), I bussed back home. Then left again for my afternoon adventure. I decided to check out the "Pier of Fear" that wasn't too far from my house - basically they had a "Halloween Haunted HOuse" of sorts. Of course it was free - that's the kind of activity I like. And it was the first haunted house that actually scared me - I was really impressed. Some kids were going - like 6-7 years old, and I can't imagine how THEY felt! So it was cool. They let you into a "building" called "Maximum Security Prison". You were lead into a pitch black room, then lectured on how you were in the prison system now and all liberties and freedoms were taken away. They owned you now. Then, oddly, through this dark prison maze you went, and you were once again considered a guest of the prison because one of the crazy inmates took one of us (who worked for the haunted house) hostage, and forced the guard to open up all cells in the prison. So the rest of the haunted house was us innocent folk trying to get out of the prison w/o being harmed. They had some neat rooms and effects - like the dentists room, the room where they did experimental dissections, the laundryroom with burning steam, the visitation room, the warden's office (he was dead of course), and the room with the electric chair. The prisoners were pretty creepy - one had on a Hannibal mask. So it wasn't just playing on startling you. Fun times. We made it out :-). Then I walked to see a movie - David Cronenberg's "Eastern Promises" with Viggo Mortensen. Although I didn't like Cronenberg's Existenz movie much, I really liked this one. Good story, good cast. About sorta the Russian mafia in London. Fun. Then I walked up to the 9th Ave restaurant row area. But that's a lot of walking let me tell you - from my place a couple of blocks up from Houston to 52nd! Google maps says it's over 3 miles, and I walked both there and back :-).

Anyway - dinner. So I wanted to try Afghan food becuase I'm weird about trying different cuisines. I went to an Afghan Kabob house and it was AWESOME! Not sure what made it different spice-wise, but the combo kabob plate I got (lamb, beef, and chicken) was fantastic. The flat Afghan bread was tasty, as was the rice and salad. I especially liked the sauces - they had a spicy red one that I really liked, and a yogurty one for the salad. Yum. But yeah - so explain this to me. So that is all I actually ordered - the kabob plate. I was toying with getting a side order of spinach, but thought the main dish would be enough food. But the waiter, who initially seemed the type to ignore me, kept bringing me free food! He misunderstood and brought an appetizer of sort of fried pockets of spinach which were awesome. Then he insisted that he'd just bring the cooked spinach side dish for me to try, on the house. Then I finished and thought that was it, but he put a dessert - some sort of thick pudding with pistachios on top - in front of me. I didn't ask for it. Then he insisted I get tea to help digest when I told him I was full. Everything was good, but I have no idea why he kept bringing me food. Took pity on the girl by herself? He only billed me for the kabobs, but what he brought was like worth twice that. So I left a good tip :-). Tho I was full, I had passed a Tast-D-Lite on the way up with Peanut Butter Fudge ice cream which I've been craving. So I had to get some on the way back :-). And lo and behold they had a lady playing a guitar and singing there for an hour - it was kind a coffee shop. So I stayed and listened for awhile. Then took the long walk back home. Nice day. But it was getting chilly!

So Since it's supposed to be sunny on Sunday, I plan to get up and bike ride. Which I do, however "sunny" doesn't mean "warm". It was actually very chilly and WINDY! Not the best for biking, but I made it :-). Went for just over 2 horus! Unwisely I went along the river which is worse for wind. But I wanted to check out the track next to the water down by Battery Park. It was pretty - with nice views of New Jersey. Then I biked up to Central Park because I also wanted to see the hall of Maple Trees in the pictures I bought. Finally found it (it's not really accessible by bike). It was pretty, altho sadly the leaves haven't changed yet. But it was nice - there was some benefit going on for urology and I got a free apple and banana :-). But my hands were cold and I was tired by the time I finished seeing the trees, so I tried to hurry home and took a very hot shower. And this is when I got out my scarf and gloves :-).

So I set off for another adventure: Jackson Heights in Queens. So it's a great place for food, so I've been told. I printed a list of the top 5 food carts in New York and they were all in Jackson Heights. There are a lot of other good restaurants there too, so it was nice to walk around - but not the nicest neighborhood. So I first walked through the Spanish speaking places - saw Cuban, Philipino food places. Looked interesting. I got a supposedly very good tamale here for $1.50 at a cart. It was tasty but not enough filling for me - mostly corn. Walking, I saw a Tibetan Yak food place. Then as I proceeded the signs changed to some Asian languages. Then Halal food carts - I got a chicken plate from Sammy's. I didn't eat it until later, but it was awesome - I got all three sauces - but I think I went overboard when I told him to put more hot red sauce :-). What is it with me and spicy lately? But anyway - kept walking around - got some roasted nuts :-). Then I hit Little India - seriously. Everyone on the street was Indian ALL OF A SUDDEN - these are micro-cosms. All restaurants were Indian and every store had beautiful saris or had Indian groceries (Patel Brother's - cracked me up). Then back to Roosevelt street, and we were back to Mexican sweet shops and the like. Very interesting area. Fun stuff. I got a Mexican dessert thing from a cart (not on my list) - like thin wafers, and she put homemade caramel sauce in a thin layer between. Tasty :-). So I took the subway back and ate my chicken dish in Washington Square park while watching some crazy people and listening to the pots and pans drummer guy. Interesting :-). Then I headed home via the grocery store - another good day. And I had a nice chat with my roommate that night. Just as we are becoming friends - I have to leave, boo. I wish I didn't have to move, but it'll be next Monday. But that'll bring me closer to Austin - only 5 weeks and counting folks!

I've been up and down lately, and in circles really. This weekend was hard because I am just lonely. I guess I just don't have enough people to talk to. It was hard to come back from vacation to sort of realize it really didn't matter to anyone that I was back. I mean - I still had a good weekend, just felt a little empty. I was happy to come back to work, but then realized yesterday I don't really talk to people at work either. Although I wore my new wool skirt which I like :-). And there were some good times - talking with Maria was nice. And I called Dad and had a really nice conversation with him last night. I think we are getting along better. Oddly enough I think I understand him better. Just thinking a lot recently about different interactions wtih different kinds of people - this isn't specifically about my Dad. And there are people that each of us are "rubbed the wrong way by" or we "speak a different (love) language". But just because different people show they love you in different ways (or they communicate in different ways) - maybe ways you don't understand - doesn't mean they don't love you. You just have to put more effort into understanding their language or way of communicating.

So here's the thing - again back to this: how much do you say "this is who I am", and how much are you willing to deconstruct yourself and change? I like to believe that I'm always out for bettering myself, for changing, but God it's hard. You can't just recognize flaws, or even be willing to be told your flaws. You have to pay attention to how they manifest themselves whether intentional or not, and then make a concerted effort to possibly change that. Or like if a way you speak seems aggressive to another person, or timid, or whatever they don't respond well to, and you find out - what do you do? Do you say "I'm aggressive, tough for them." Or do you want to interact with them in a more positive manor, so change how you speak only with them. Or do you change how you speak with all people becuase it could always seem aggressive to others. Do you analyze why you seem to be aggressive? These things that seem like our inate responses to things - to how someone speaks: are they changable? Yes, I believe, but it's difficult and not overnight and you have to weigh the benefit. Deconstructing yourself isn't easy.

And slightly on topic - I feel lost. I think I've communicated this before some, but I really do. And I try to do things to make this feeling lessened, but I think it's a systemic thing, not an immediate thing to be fixed. Also hard. On my marathon phone call with Naveen last night, he said he is basically too confident and needs to scale that back some. EDIT: Not scale back - confidence is good, but realize that being very confident isn't always the best strategy when dealing with all people. /EDIT The reason? Safety. I hope he doesn't mind me saying this, but this was a really interesting thing to me. He said he sees it being correlated with your parent's being together, and you having a strong, close support network. I took offense to this of course (assuming the implication that I didn't have these things, and thus not safety). But partly it is true. He has always lived in Illinois close to his family and most of his friends are there. He is very close to his friends - more so than me, and his parents are together. So I wonder if some of these things are the reason I feel lost. I do have a support network and it's been getting stronger - at least it was before I left Austin. And that's part of why I'm having a hard time now that I am away. Proximity matters. That's why I so desperately want to get back because that is one of the only things that'll make me feel better. And I want to create that safety around me back in Austin, too - it's not there by default. Because then maybe it'll be easier to deal with other things - everything. Maybe if I feel safe I can deal with criticism better, with judgment better. That came up last night too - I don't deal with judgment well, or people who have strong opinions and sort of dogmatically voice them. I like people who are outwardly more inviting, more forgiving, more accepting of people. So then I won't be judged harshly see :-). I won't be put into the "not good enough" or "bad" category. Don't know why I'm afraid of this. Don't know why I put up defenses and feel personally attacked by those people. Because they aren't personally attacking me just because they have strong opinions. I guess I sort of internally believe judgment is harsh - sort of a negative quality. But Naveen believes it is a good quality to have - you have to judge to know good from bad, to know what you want to be or who you want yourself to be surrouunded by. But I guess I feel threatened by negative judgments, and thereby I don't try to put those on other people myself. But they are not always bad, and they do not always reflect badly on me.

Anyway, I'm rambling and this is a long post. Of course I'm still struggling with all these thoughts, so if you have opinions on them, please let me know :-). I'd like to hear. And also if you have comments on what I could do for a day while in Philadelphia, let me know that too! I'm going to go back through there after visiting Christine (yay!) this weekend. Ok, back to being my broken self, at work.

PS

I'm homesick. Miss shared experience. Adventure by oneself, while still adventure, gets old after awhile, old and lonely. Some people say you learn the most about yourself, grow, when you are alone. I think I'm the opposite. I sorta shut down. I think I'm more challenged by other people...

More on today later - it was a pretty good solo adventure day.

Afterthoughts

Yeah ok - so 2 things I didn't put in my blog from last night. I'm still annoyed about having gained weight and having issues with food. I wish it wasn't so easy for me to gain and so hard to take it off. Ugh - feeling fat :-(. Why is food so complicated? Why can't it just be enjoyed? I really do love food :-). Although my oral fixation doesn't help - I really need to chew on something all the time. Gum is my friend.

Also, I'm still confused about guys. They are confusing, see. I know I'm in a vulnerable place now and that doesn't help. But lately I've been really enjoying talking with Naveen. Is that bad? We shall see...

Ok bye again. Going to enjoy rainy New York.

I like Montreal

So I'm back in New York now. But I was in Montreal for the last 6 days! And I had a good time. It was a bit of a nuisance to travel, but also nice to get out of the city. And awesome to discover a new place - love adventuring :-). And the conference went well...

So last Friday I went in to work because a colleague from UT was visiting. Was a productive day with research - lots of meetings and maybe a new direction. I really hope we can capitalize on this work before November 15 - our new deadline! But anyway - got a ride back to the city, dropped off money to secure my new place next to Union Square for November, made a few nice phone calls. Then went to dinner at a place my carpool guy (Ramon) had recommended - Florent. Looks like a diner, but had sorta French good. Treated myself to good french onion soup, then a sort of cous cous stew with chicken and sausage and lots of veggies - it was Moroccan, sorta spicy. Different and nice. Then went home and packed. Nice to be in the house alone - of course my roommate and I go out of town on the same weekend so neither of us can enjoy the solitude!

Had to get up really early Saturday to get to Penn Station for a 7:45 train. Sorta out of it, but I got a nice bagel :-). Met Mike a bit up the track. I ended up sleeping for a couple of hours - very nice. And then Mike and I got food and spent awhile in the observation car (on the 2nd level!). The scenery was just GORGEOUS - tried to get some pictures, but don't think I did it justice. The fall colors were beautiful, and we went through the Adirondack Park so past some beautiful lakes too. Wow. It was worth it. It was really nice to chat with Mike and catch up - he told me about his engagement. So train ride was supposed to take 10 hours, but it ended up taking more like 11. We were stopped on the border being inspected by Canadian border people for over an hour! They were intense - asking where you were going, for what purpose, what you have in your luggage, and they even were looking under seat cushions. Weird. Oh yeah and throughout the ride this older Lebanese gentleman wanted to talk to us (he said he wanted to talk to the pretty lady). He found out we were Computer Scientists and kept asking us questions about it although he knew very little about the subject. Ugh. But we finally made it and walked to the hotel.

So I went out to literally every meal up in Montreal (except breakfast). So this will be the food paragraph - summarizing :-). Had some awesome food. That first night I convinced people to walk to St. Laurant street where there were a ton of restaurants. I got a nice savory crepe stuffed with food of "mer" - seafood stuff. Scallops and shrimp and stuff - and cheese - don't forget the cheese. Sorta heavy but really tasty. Next lunch we went to a close place to get Dim Sum in Chinatown which was next to the conference center. Dim Sum was good (and free - Intel paid), but I am sick of it - the consistency is just...slimy. Things that aren't so good for me and make my stomach gurgle a bit. So don't want it again for awhile... Then for dinner we went to Old Town which was close to the conference place. Old Town street was really cute with lots of art and stone buildings. We went to a slightly fancy place called Pyrennes - so French/Spanish food. Got wine, and very slow service, and small portions for a lot of money - got tasty braised lamb though :-). Love lamb. Next lunch - back to old town - sat outside in a courtyard and it was a beautiful day. Got an awesome green salad, then salmon with pesto sauce and bean sprouts. Yum. Fancy meals... That night we had a reception for the conference, so I basically ate finger foods and vegies they had there. Then I convinced people to walk to St. Denis street - another one with a ton of restaurants. A bunch of us went to a pub (they have good ones here), and got some tasty local beers and a cheese and pear plate - yum :-).

So we come to Tuesday. Ate some Mediterranean food - beef and chicken shwarma in the conference center. Really rude waiter. Btw the service in general in Montreal is slow, and you have to ask for the check because they will never bring it! Then for dinner joined a bunch of people for Thai food down the main shopping street (St. Catherine). Had tofu red curry - it was odd, had pumpkin squash in it. OK. Then went out to the British pub street for a beer afterwards - Crescent street :-). Got most of the street recommendations from Ramon who went to undergrad at McGill up there. Beautiful campus, but I'll get to that. Then Wednesday I broke down and though we were at a fancy-ish French place I got pizza. Had to put red flakes on it as Naveen taught me :-). Then that night I sort of invited us out with David Bacon - guy I work with at IBM and program chair for the conference. So he's a big wig. And my advisor was going too. But David is a food snob, so we went to a very fancy French restaurant and spent $50 per person! Got some red wine, of course, and had some good leek soup and duck. The duck was a bit chewy but I like the veggies. The dessert (we got one of those fixed price, including soup and dessert and coffee) was horrible. I think it was supposed to be carrot cake, but it was more like carrot brick with random nuts in it. So yeah - sorta overpriced for the restaurant. Oh well. Ok, last day of the conference - Thursday. Went to a fancy French place for lunch by happenstance, but it was awesome! Also on St. Laurant. Another price fix, but way underpriced. And they even give a complimentary little appetizer and dessert even if you don't order anything. This place was small, but ceremony and plating was everything - very gourmet! Everything was so delicious - small quantities, but that was all you needed. Yum. Had a pumpkin and ginger soup. Then had sea bass special over apple pieces and with a cider sauce - yum. Fun find. Last meal with the gang was back in Old Town - we went to Indian! And nice enough Dave Grove bought the meal for us on IBM's dime! We did family style - got samosas, good local beer. We had 4 dishes (plus naan of course): lamb vindaloo, chicken korma, lamb saagwala (me of course), and chicken tikka masala. Love Indian food - reminds me of Naveen. The tikka masala was awesome, and the saag was good. The vindaloo was HOT!! Like just a little bit burned your mouth. Fun to eat. We had a lot of jokes about the vindaloo - burning one guy's ears :-). Fun group. But for some reason I got made fun of for saying silly things - I really didn't drunk that much I promise! But we had fun and went for another beer afterwards - rounded out the conference nicely!

So much for food. The conference was fun. The first 2 days was a specialized conference for just my field - Memory Management. I loved those days - I knew most of the crowd there (pretty small - 60 people?) and it was easy to talk to people. And the work was largely interesting. So fun times. Felt charged again. Sometimes I get down on research, but conference sort of cheer me up - like I do belong here! I know what's going on, I understand the trends, and I can throw around creative ideas with people. Not just in your own little world doing your own research :-). It's fun to go to conferences and hang out with people. Anyway. The actual conference OOPSLA, or ooPSLA as they are calling it now, was less in line with my research, so I didn't go to as many sessions. It's just a really broad conference, and there's lots of industry people and tutorials and other things going on. And boy did they suck with food and refreshments this year! But something fun - ran into a friend who I went to undergrad at UA with, and a lecturer at UA who I worked with when I did undergrad-TAing. Fun to see them again! And saw my groupmate (Mike) give his 2 - yes 2 - research talks there. Sigh. Wish I could get 1 paper in once, somewhere! It was fun to be at the conference, but felt a little sad that I really didn't have my own successful, solid research to talk to people about - to have people come up to me and interested in my stuff. When is it my turn? Why do I feel like I've gotten the short end of the stick for a long time? I hope it works for me, and SOON!

But the nice thing about not wanting to go to a lot of the conference is that I had time to exercise everday, and time to walk around the city which was awesome! I used my cute hotel's gym 4 times, snuck into the Hyatt (conference hotel) once morning to swim - yay!, and ran outside with some other students another day. Felt good about all the exercise! And swimming was fun - did I think around 1200 meters in about 38 minutes which I think is good, but it's harder in warm water! That was the day that it rained all day too. The first 2 days (when I was at the conference the whole time), it was warm and beautiful and sunny. Then it rained all day Tuesday and got cold, so the high was in the 50s the rest of the week. But after Tuesday it was sunny at least, and I liked the fall days! So after the conference started, I walked around a different part of town everyday. Tuesday I walked around St. Catherine - the shopping street, and through the really pretty McGill campus. Had lots of fall colors - red, orange, yellow and green leaves. The campus is at the foot of Mont Real - the "mountain" in the middle of town. And some of the buildings are pretty - made of stone with the green patina roofs - sorta castle-like. Neat to blend in too :-). So that was a fun walk. Then Wednesday walked around Old Montreal and the port area. Also nice - some fancy churches and buildings passed. Some pretty parks. That was also where me and some others (I was the slowest and the first to quit running) ran later that day - pretty :-). 50s is good for running! Then Thursday I left after lunch and went to climb Mont Real! I highly recommend that - beautiful walk up the mountain, altho the path is long and winding. Wish I had a bike like a lot of other people. Pretty trees, again, then at the top (after several flights of stairs), there was a lookout area. Beautiful cityscapes! You could see for miles and miles - the downtown area, the river, bridges everything. Of course I took pics :-). Fun times. Liked that walk the best. Walked down through McGill - was a lot faster than taking the winding path because you basically walk down stairs straight down the mountain.

Today was my last day. Was sad most of my city-seeing was by myself, though I really enjoyed it. I love exploring a new city, especially when it's fun and easy to walk and it's pretty and good weather. I skipping seeing museums and the like... Prefer to be outside! But yeah, was a little lonely. Although I had fun going out drinking with my work buddies just about every night, I was a bit empty - like no one really asking how my day REALLY was. No one really knowing me... I guess it's par for the course, but it struck me when I was coming home today on the plane and they announced it would be late and we could call quickly to notify people in NYC that no one cared what time I got home... But I made it home ok! Had a lazy day today actually - let myself sleep in until 9, then did free continental breakfast and workout, some email checking. Got out of the room finally, then went out on the town - took the metro to the Olympic Stadium because apparently that's a big landmark there. It was neat, but not much to see. There was a Biodome and Botanical Garden next to the stadium, the their entrance fees were > $10 each and I only had an hour and a half, so I passed. I just strolled around and ate lunch and enjoyed the trees and all. Felt peaceful. Felt nice. I feel very versatile now - am able to be dropped in any major city, find my way around, see things there is to see, use public transport, and enjoy myself. No problem! Even those like Montreal where the main language isn't English! (It's French). So fun... Only Canadian city I still need to see is Toronto I think :-).

So, finally got home after an interesting airport trip in Montreal (tried to take the bus, then it sucked so I took a taxi, and slept most of hte ride to the airport). Then my flight was switched when I got to the airport, and it was delayed. But it was all ok. Just wish it wasn't so hard to get to Laguardia! Took a bus into the city, then the subway to get home, then of course had to walk 10 minutes in the rain to actually get home. Was glad to be back, "home" as it were. Familiarity at least, although again feeling a little empty. But hope to sleep well this weekend and have some fun. Hopefully it won't keep raining! Did treat myself to sushi tonight - with a seaweed + edamame salad before which was tasty. Then got a Magnolia Cafe fresh cupcake for dessert - yum :-). Yay accessibility!

Well, this is long and I should get some sleep. Hope you all have a fun weekend planned! Later...

Feelings

So I'll just warn you - sometimes I use this as my outlet when I don't have someone to talk to. Or just when I want to. And I feel some of my deeper writing is best when I'm feeling frustrated emotionally - well that's also when I like to write because I feel I need to get feelings out to deal with them - verbally or apparently by typing too.

It doesn't feel the same. Maybe I've changed, and maybe my situation is different, but it's different now. I'm not as needy - I don't cry myself to sleep about being alone, feeling this totally empty lonely feeling like I did when I was young. I don't fret over never finding the right ONE for me. Now - now I'm just tired. I drop into bed relieved that the day is over, and hope I can sleep well. But feelings are deeper - not on the surface.

I realized this today when I saw my friend Mike for the first time in months - he's a friend from school and he came to visit IBM. I was soooo happy to see him - it surprised even me. So nice to see a familiar face, a kind face. I was just happy he was here, although the whole time I saw Mike today was in big groups of IBM people and I haven't gotten to talk to him. Altho I didn't expect to, for some reason this disappointed me. I guess he was my confidante back in Portland that first summer. He became a close friend when I really needed one. Even though we don't talk all the time in Austin, I feel like he knows me pretty well. And I have news to tell him, and I heard he has news. And all day I haven't talked to him, and won't tomorrow either. But Saturday we are taking the 10 hour train ride to Montreal together, so I'm not too worried :-).

But there was something in my emotion when I saw him... I realized tonight it might be that I just hunger for people who know me - everyday people who I can relax around, who I can be myself with. Although I have some friends here, I don't feel totally relaxed - I still don't know what they are thinking of me. Even people at work, and even softball guy. I did talk on the phone to Christine the other night, and that was really nice. But I guess it's not the same. And being on the phone - I realized - really taxes me. I don't know why, but it's a chore and I can't wait to get off most of the time.

So I digress - I guess I end up more deeply affected. I can go about my daily routine and fill hours, but I feel less fulfilled overall. Sometimes depressed which comes out in my eating habits more than anything. I wish it was easier to control - it's really bad when I sit at my desk all afternoon - I want to snack all the time. But anyway. I wish it felt easier to be carefree, to relax. Too many things going on and not enough just time - to even hang out with people, or sleep! But I feel when I go back to Austin things will be better in one sense - I'll have people around who know me. But in another it'll be harder because all of my friends are married or engaged, and I'll be reminded a lot that I'm the single one. I was trying to tell a friend why hearing about my friend's big life events (engagement and pregnancy) affect me so much lately, but it is hard. Intellectually it's fine, but emotionally it's hard on me. I think part of it is that I've been the setlle down kind of person for a long time. It's not like I've been a partier all my life and am just realizing I need to settle down so to speak. Anyway...

A couple quick things about this week - went swimming Wednesday night which made me really happy. Over 2/3 of a mile in < 40 minutes after being out of practice! I went to a city facility - you are supposed to be a member, but I talked them into letting me try it once :-). Fun. Then I went to look at another place to live - that is very exhausting too. But it's right next to Union Square which is where I've always wanted to be. It'll mean a 15 minute walk to my carpool, but oh well! I actually was supposed to see this place when I was looking in October, but she bailed on me. Weird. But it's awesome! Weird layout, but huge front room (which is mine) with 20-25 feet ceilings and amazing skylights (need to see them in the day). It's cute with sort of African print stuff, wooden floors, bookcases to the ceiling, and plants everywhere. So fun :-). I'm actually in the living room with a "very comfortable" futon. The kitchen is also in this huge room, and off of it a closet and a toilet. This is all separated by my roommate's room by a hallway. She never uses the front room and is seldom home anyway, but I have to go through her room to get to the shower. Needless to say I decided to take it. So housing problem solved - finally and for hte last time. Yay! Not looking forward to the moving again, but it should be better this time. So was very happy last night. Tonight went to swanky dinner on IBM with Mike and Kathryn and mentor Martin. Had grouper that was tasty - macadamia nut encrusted. And now - to bed! Almost Montreal time.

Have a good weekend...

Fun weekend + confusion

So I'm currently at a laundromat - for the first time in my life! Wow. I never want to do this again. Well, it's fine if you don't have to lug your laundry with you several blocks, and if doing a small load of wash doesn't cost $3.50. Oh well. At least it'll get done!

So I can't tell you all the crazy things going on in my life! Well, I'll try, but so much goes through my head, and so much is discussed with other people, it's hard to keep up :-). But yes - I'm totally confused in my life. But I feel like that's ok. Right now I don't want to make big decisions, or know what I'm doing. I just want to float. That's unlike me, but I'm ok with it :-). Maybe it's a reaction to my life, my stress. My friend this weekend said major stress is proportional to the big life changes going on in your life - and I'm experiencing several now. Moving, career crisis, and relationship ending. It's all up in the air. I wish I could let myself relax, let it all go. Why do I continually stop myself? Why do I have such restraint, such conscience, such a compass, and such fear? Well, it makes me me, and I'm going to trust my instincts right now. It's what I got.

But let me just reassure again - I'm ok. I had a hard day Friday. I learned of major life events of my friends back in Austin (engagement, pregnancy) and it actually quite depressed me. Partially because I am not there to be a part of their news, and partly because my peers are moving ahead in their personal lives and I am not necessarily. I know I can't compare myself to anyone, but there's still some weird feelings there. I want to be the one getting engaged. But I really do want it to be with the right person.... So se la vie. And part of my Friday woes were feeling like real friends weren't around to talk to. I just needed to reach out to someone, talk... I'm better now :-).

And as much as I complain my butt off about grad school - I realized talking to Naveen last night (yes, I went to him as a reach out person) that I have a big complex about Comp Sci. Sure, the culture could not jive with my personality, but a lot of disappointment is in my head, and wrapped up with my expectations. And actually with a lot of Naveen's expectations of himself in grad school which I can never live up to. Given - he didn't expect me to, but I still felt all his opinions on passion and sacrificing for the PhD every day. So anyway. I need to work through that, and some anger. Lots of confusion. But I'm hopeful. I really want my research to work out, and I really want to stay in grad school. Sure maybe I don't want to research when I get out - I really love to teach :-). But that is down the line.

And some other confusion - people and NYC. I guess I keep having these contradicting feelings. I really am lonely and want to reach out to people. And the people that are there saying "pick me, pick me", I end up shying away from. I know part of it is fear. Part of it is knowing they aren't right. So I need people, and I shy away from them. And I miss Austin terribly, but walking around this city this weekend I realized that I LOVE it, that I'm going to miss it. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to move here. It's really hard here ALL the time. I have a love/hate relationship with this place, and my love and hate for it both grow daily :-). It's frustrating and impersonal and dirty and you have to laboriously do everything, and there's too much going on (gluttony). But then again, everything is so accessible, and the parks are wonderful and the food is fantastic, and I love the variety and how people aren't afraid to be themselves, and I love the sunsets on the water, and gazing at the Empire State Building and seeing the city lights at night. So that's me - filled with contrary emotions :-). Yippee.

Ok, so after that dump - now I'll tell you about my weekend! Thursday I was supposed to go to dinner with my Princeton friend Sharon and she cancelled last minute and I was super bummed. At least I know she has no intentions when we go to dinner, unlike certain male friends. But anyway, so I convinced Ramon (carpool guy) to go get a beer with me. We went to an awesome local bar and got 2 Hefeweisens. Very tasty, and good ambiance! He's a really nice guy - I feel like he's a good friend how that we talk close to 2 hours per day. But yeah - 2 beers after working out and not eating since lunch - fun. Then I decided I wanted to see an artsy movie that Ramon and Sharon had recommended earlier that day, so I ran to catch it at the neat Angelika theater. It was called "2 Days in Paris". It was about a relationship that had been going 2 years, and the couple went to Paris for 2 days and it fell apart - almost. In the end they stayed together. It was sorta sad for me, but well done. Then I grabbed garlic knots and a mozzarella slice of pizza on the way home - food is always better late at night when you are hungry :-).

Friday I stayed home - couldn't make myself get up early or exercise. Boo. But I ended up at a neat cafe with Wifi on Hudson - had a panini that was tasty. But it had no plugs, so I had to leave and go to my favorite coffee shop on Charles. It's so cute! And friendly - I know the person that works there :-). So I worked from there - ate too many snacks, and enjoyed myself. Ate a great slice of pumpkin bread with chunks of apple in it that they were experimenting with! Love warm bread :-). Then went home and took off to go to Negril which I'd wanted to check out - a Jamaican restaurant! I have been craving jerk chicken since I left Jamaica, so I got some :-). Unfortunately they were out of calaloo. It was tasty, but not as tasty as I had on island :-). Then went to meet softball guy (Mo) at his friend's birthday party. I felt very cool because my name had to be on a list at this club to get into their private room which they had rented out - with unlimited drinks! And they brought cake and had some appetizers! Holy cow. That was way nicer than the rest of the crowded club. Although I wandered around once and the music was better elsewhere. I really had fun hanging out with Mo's friends! The girls are really nice and we bonded and danced a bit and just had fun. Left later than I intended - got home at 4am! Well, it's hard here when last call isn't until then :-).

So Saturday got up and went for a run along the water. It was really nice - crisp cool morning (late morning) with bright sunshine. Very nice running weather. It's totally fall here, btw. 50s in the morning, 60s during the day. And I kinda like it! Got dressed, and went to meet my friend that last minute came to visit this weekend from Austin! Sorta dropped on my doorstep and said "entertain me". Also he sorta liked me which I felt put me in a weird spot a bit - although I told him he couldn't stay with me (my roommate is Nazi about it). But we hung out for Sat and Sun and had fun. I showed him the awesome view of the city, NJ, the statue of liberty and the Empire State Building I had discovered at the end of the pier near my house which is really cool. Then we grabbed a brunch-like lunch, and headed down to Battery Park where a culture fest was going on. It was mostly booths talking about upcoming events in the arts, theater, museums and such, but it was fun. We sat and listened to a jazz orchestra for awhile. Then we walked up town (past touristy spots of course - can't get away from it), and got tickets to an off-Broadway play Ramon recommended! It was awesome - a 1-man show called "Tings Dey Happen" about the oil politics in Nigeria. I knew nothing about it, but it was really intelligent and I learned a lot - it was sad. This guy got a Fullbright Scholarship to go study the situation there for a year, and he played all these characters - conglomerations of people he met there. He did fabulously and it was great - he was great at different voices and personalities, and even had comic relief. The Nigerians that spoke pidgin were hard to understand :-). So that was really fun. Before my friend and I actually grabbed a small dinner at an Italian place in Little Italy - Bruschetta and risotto. Then we wandered to the East Side because friend wanted dessert and the only thing I could think of was the Chocolate Cafe that I had gone to over there. Despite them being super-slow, it was very tasty - a warm chocolate cake that oozed when you cut into it. Then we headed back to the west side and hit up the local bar that Ramon showed me again. It was way more crowded, but still fun. So that was the end of the night and my friend went to his hotel!

Marathon entry... So Sunday I told him I really needed to sleep in. I hadn't been getting enough sleep... Do I ever? So I didn't get up until 11:40 :-). Finally headed out and met up with my friend, and then we went to brunch again. Got a nice omelette with spinach and feta, plus toast, a coffee and a mimosa all for $11.50! Great in NY! Then we headed up to the Natural History Museum because that's what my friend wanted to do. I'd been there, but going back in detail over the "Origin of Humans" and "Meteorite" exhibits was fun. Then we got tickets to the "Mystical Creatures" exhibit which I had really wanted to see. It was great! It wasn't big, but I spent almost an hour in there reading about the sea, land, air, and dragon creatures. Some signs talked about the myths (from different parts of the world) and how they came about and why sometimes. It was great learning about mermaids, sea monsters, griffins, cyclops (actually probably based on an elephant skull with a hole in the middle for the trunk), unicorns, dragons, pegasus, etc. They even had chupacabra :-). I eat that stuff up - have always loved myths and stories :-). So that was fun. Then my friend and I wandered through Central Park and ended up at the Boathouse next to the water with a glass of wine. Very chill and nice. Then we went to a Persian restaurant (thought of you Negin!) on the east side I'd been wanting to try. This obsession of mine with trying every different kind of food possible is actually comical. But got some fabulous rack of lamb. My eggplant puree actually wasn't that good, but the sour cherry rice was pretty interesting. So, good times. And afterwards my friend was like "what now". I'm like "It's close to 10 on a school night - I'm going home!". So he had a flight out at 7am and decided just to take the subway out to the airport and sleep there rather than pay for a hotel room! Crazy, but said goodbye to him. It was nice to see a friend back from Austin, but as I say a bit awkward. But nice to talk with someone and hang out and have someone to go to dinner with :-).

So I had an exhausting weekend! But I made it. I chilled last night and made fish at home. I wanted to go to bed early, but talk with Naveen made that not happen. But it was actually a really nice talk. I guess I like that he knows me so well, and that ease of talking to each other.... So life is weird, but I'm just floating. Wish that equaled no stress! Feel like a whirlwind.

I went on a bike ride today after work and I love that I just easily biked by the World Trade Center sight, the Statue of Liberty, and the Empire State Building. Fun views. But biking on the streets is very scary. And I stopped to look at 2 potential places to live in November on the bike home. Both actually nice - will have to decide but I don't feel like blogging about them now. Seeing another tomorrow night. Crazy life! And I leave for the conference in Montreal early Saturday morning! No rest for the weary.

Ok I better sign off - laundry is almost done. Sorry it's so long. Have a good week!