Vulnerabilities

So, I do intend to continue blogging, but it might be more sparse. Maybe I should blog more often and with fewer words, but my style tends to be deep and verbose instead. We will see.

So... I am back in Austin. My HOME. I cannot tell you what that has meant to me - what I have discovered that means to me because I spent so long away from it. Although I can feel isolated (see later paragraphs), I am not really alone here. I MATTER here. People care about me. People smile to see me, notice when I'm sad, notice when I'm gone. I have a family here, although no one I'm related to. I feel very close to people, and it's getting closer and I love it. Just warmth, goodness. I need a new word - something like pervasive love, but not romantic love, just people love. Damn the English language not having more words for love :-).

So, I have done some wonderful things these last 2 weeks back. I won't tell you about all of them - now I'm going to focus on feelings. But suffice it to say that I ate very few meals alone. Friends are awesome. I did the several things I really wanted to do upon coming back to Austin - hike, haircut, massage, and the Trail of Lights in Zilker Park. I continue to swim, and now a mile isn't so tough - it's the normal workout :-). I took my bike for a spin last weekend up and down Shoal Creek which was fun despite the whipping cold wind. And I played tennis this morning with Mike which was awesome and I am really going to get back into tennis now (that's the plan). I'm BACK, in short, and having fun!

But... more about self discovery. I've been doing a lot of talking with friends. Deep talking. A few of us came to the conclusion that to be close to people, you have to expose your vulnerabilities to them. Really. What drives people to be close in general? What makes 2 friends best friends? What makes relationship partners so intimate? Exposing some part of yourself - showing your vulnerabilities, your under belly. You share your secrets, things you worry about. Sure, there's some amount of shared experiences, too, but these serve to exhibit your good and bad qualities to your friends more. So, how do you make close friends? You have to open up - open yourself up and share something deep with them, something maybe a little scary or embarrassing. Then, they usually respond and know more about you, and open up in kind. So I've been having this more deeper talks with friends. And, while it's sometimes exhausting - sort of like a relationship - it's so worth it in the end. I feel more emotionally close to my friends. Sometimes it makes me vulnerable - maybe a little dependent on them. But as long as I keep things in mind, it's really rewarding. And seeing how different people are, and how they respond differently to things, or how they work differently is so interesting to me! So I do thrive on it. I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot about me, too - I tend to shelter myself somewhat, to protect myself. To curl up into a ball - physically and emotionally, when I feel threatened. But, people can get me out of that ball too. Caring goes a long way. And boy do I compartmentalize things. Separate things or people or experiences in my head. Maybe it's some rationalization or coping mechanism. It's very interesting. I didn't know other people don't do this! Or at least find it exhausting. Another thing I'm good at :-).

Recently I had some one on one time with Justin. We've never had that before, and it was mostly because I didn't understand his way of operating. He's not a big feeling-talker, he hates redundancy, and is pretty blunt. But we went to the Trail of Lights together. BTW, my favorite part was getting dizzy spinning under the big tree of lights. Awesome :-). But it was actually fabulous to have a deeper life talk with Justin. He showed care and concern and wanted to be closer to me. And I was glad because I really appreciated that, and enjoyed talking to him. I understand him a lot better now - I can incorporate his different personality into my understanding. So I'm happy about the bonding. I can have close male friends!

Although, with all of my break-throughs, I recently (last weekend) freaked out. I know why I freaked out, and I am justified. Unfortunately it happened at a party - I had to sit on the stairs and cry for awhile. But friends were there. But what I realized is that I shouldn't be with my friends. Let me 'splain. I had just come from a happy hour (or several hours) celebrating 2 friend's engagement. I went to a Karaoke party at another friend's house where everyone was coupled but me (I'm pretty sure). And the fact that all of my friends are engaged, married, or having babies just got to me. It's not that I don't think I can find someone wonderful for me. It's not that I don't believe I'm wonderful. It's that, even with all the awesome friends that I have, at the end of the day I go home alone and don't have that person to dump on or feel intimate with. Even that, actually, is fine. It's actually that no one else is where I am, to share my experience of trying to date at 27. Actually most of my friends haven't even dated post-college. They don't know what it's like - they can't relate! They are set for life without this uncertainty. I'm the one who has to go out and meet people again and try to be gregarious (even though I want to be curmudgeony and not meet new people). I'm the one who needs to stop hanging out with my friends (who are all known and paired) so I can actually do new activities and meet new people. And I'm the one who isn't exactly at the point in life which I wanted to be at by now. So, while some experiences can be shared, I can still feel isolated from those around me. And that makes me sad. I have worked through it now, and I feel better. And I feel better hanging out with my roommates who are older and single(ish). And I am hanging out with Mary more - Mary is awesome. Kung Fu friend who is around 32 and single. She reminds me of my sister sometimes :-). So, I'll make it. There are some hard times, but I'm strong, I'm optimistic. I'm still having a ton of fun.

And btw, I finally had time this last weekend to re-organize my room! I unpacked 5 boxes and 2.5 suitcases to put my room back together. So my room isn't a cyclone anymore, and it's great to feel I have my space back! I do love my room, my house, my living situation. Fun Austin living.

Alrighty - off to Arizona for Christmasy stuff. Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night.