Friday, October 12, 2007

Hard time

So, ok, here's the problem. I have a hard time letting people in. I'm guarded. Very guarded. I'm usually other people's support. I give good advice, I am a good listener. I can be the voice of reason. I'm rational, pretty much. It's like when I taught tennis - I could see other people's flaws way easier than my own. So I try to help people. And I sort of brush people off when they ask how I'm doing. I answer, but I don't want to lean on people too much. It's too much to ask, really. I can give them a tidbit of what I'm feeling, but laugh it off. Yeah - things are fine. Research is slow, I miss Austin. NYC is exciting. All these things are true, but they aren't deep, you see. They aren't how I'm actually doing. Well, they are, but only at the surface. Why am I still scared to break down to people, to ask for help?

I was talking to my carpool guy (Ramon) yesterday about his home, the Dominican Republic. Similar to some of the Indian cultural things - he said family is everything. There, he said, there is no way you have a room or even bed to yourself if you have any family members the same sex as you. Whereas here, kids are given their own room to encourage their individuality, their growth, their space. But he said family will always be closer than friends. To me family is everything. Ok, I didn't share a bedroom while growing up. But the people that I consider myself tightest with are family members and my significant other. They are the people who should be there with me through thick and thin, who will accept me even if they see me at my worst. I don't really expect the same of my friends - don't know why. They have their own problems and issues - why should I burden them with mine? I will burden them some - with some shared experience (like grad school or whatever), but not as much as I expect of family and my significant other. I don't know if this is weird - I've been told I should put more into my friends. And I've been trying, but it's hard. I shy away quickly if someone says they have to go, or if I haven't talked to them in awhile, or if they start talking about themselves. I don't know if part of it is that I don't like the phone much. But yeah.

So that's why it's hard up here. I don't have people I feel really safe with. I have some superficial friendships. And I'm scared to dump on people too much or worry them. I try to deal with things, and things have to be taken with a grain of salt because I am quite up and down. I think really I'm bi-polar, but not an extreme case of it. All this seems slightly ironic given my recent discovery that what makes me happiest is people - close, shared experiences. I really enjoy people an their variety. I want to help people - that's why I like teaching. And people are interesting to figure out, and ever-changing, many dimensional. Ah, life is crazy. Still so much to figure out.

And btw - it's 56 degrees here! Very exciting. Hope I don't freeze and shatter!

So here I go - on with life's experience. G'day.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Finally Fall

I don't feel like being productive right now, so I'll write in my blog. It's a gray, rainy day, and cooler. It dropped to the 60s yesterday - 20 degrees cooler than Monday. Welcome fall :-). I love the heat, but I have to say the fall, changing colors, and being cosily wrapped up appeals to me right now. Maybe I'm sick of my short-sleeved clothes. But here we are.

I'm happy today. Yes, I'm up and down - don't know how to get away from that. But I have been in contact with some older friends lately and that just makes me happy. Neat to get re-united with Holly who I was raised with before age 8? She has a blog here, too, and she lives in Connecticut and hopefully we'll meet up! Also 27 and single, so we can bond over that :-). Just that little reach out made me happy. And a couple of other things.

Monday was fun. I determined this week would be a lot more low-key - life's been too frazzled lately. And it has been more low-key - yippee. Although I did go out Monday night, but I ate at home which makes me feel better. Went with my roommate to a film festival film called "Flight of the Red Ballon" with Juliet Binochet! Set in Paris, sorta linked to the children's story if you know it. Artsy, so slow at parts, but good acting, good (sad) story. Felt nice to go. It was in the Time Warner building in Columbus Circle which is fabulous - nice theater! And nice to go with someone - my roommate and I are becoming friends. Although she's so particular about things at home. I get the feeling she follows me around and re-does everything her way after I leave. But just a feeling.

Trying to get more sleep this week, too. And yesterday especially I succeeded. After finishing Harry Potter! Well, I have yet to read the epilogue, but I got to the end of the story. Ah, and a good story it was. I read so slow towards the end - I hate to finish books because it means the end of the story, end of characters I'm attached to! Sniff. Go Harry.

But also yesterday I rode my bike. Always on Tuesdays. Altho this was after the drop in temperature and it was windy along the Hudson River track, and sprinkling. Tough ride, but I made it. Went from my now-home back up to my old neighborhood- up to 100th! Proud of myself. Still doing exercise about 6 times a week. But happily yesterday I was home before 6:30 (from my ride) and had the whole night to just relax at home! I did 2.5 hours of work - good for me. And made another good dinner. Just felt more at peace, which I needed. Hopefully can do that again tonight!

I was thinking lately that I feel like Neo. Before following the white rabbit, before Trinity, before taking the red pill. Woah - that makes me Keanu - scary. But anyway - still discovering my true destiny, my purpose, still gray but ready to awaken. And I especially like this analogy because he was strongly attached, they said, not to humanity per se, but to 1 other human. But he had to discover that over time. Eventually...

People are important - they really make my life full so to speak. And I miss people. Having experiences is wonderful, but singular experiences still lack a certain shared essence. But I'm particular about my people. Who knew there are so many crazy people out there? Maybe it's just this city...

Ok enough rambling. Enjoy your week.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Theater Week + Village exploits

A lot has happened this week! Crazy...

So Monday I moved to the West Village! The moving itself was no fun - ugh. Had to pack up all my stuff - took 2 boxes to UPS to mail back to myself (I'm in a lot smaller place) in Austin. I rode my bike down to my new place - a little less than 6 miles. That would've been no problem, but I decided to bring a couple of bags of my stuff to ease the real move later. BAD idea! Let me tell you now - never carry any weight in garbage bags while biking any sort of distance. I have bruises all over my arms, and the bag straps broke and I had to go very slow, and the bags got holes while swinging around and hitting my tire and such. I thought they'd just break open at any moment. It was a pain! So -word to the wise - never do that :-). And I just had hangers, some food I didn't want to toss, and laundry detergent! But the rest of the move was pretty smooth. Got my suitcases all packed and everything fit. Had help carrying my stuff down in the old place - the next renters were seeing the place as I left. I was sorta mad I couldn't say bye to the place by myself, but that's how it goes. It's in the past. Then I just took a car down here with my suitcases, and a handyman actually helped me up with my suitcases, as did my new roommate! So awesome :-). So that night I unpacked - I really just wanted to be settled in. And I got everything to fit in my limited space - I like my cosy room. I like my bunk bed and the darkness of the room - I think I sleep better here, but the bed creaks and I literally have to climb to get up there - and step on the dresser. It's annoying if I wake up and have to use the restroom! But oh well... But the room is cosy - just what I need. And I really like my new roommate Paulette. We are getting along famously! She works from home so it feels like she is ALWAYS here (she's a notary public). But she is cool - she makes tons of good recommendations of things going on, ways to get discounts to theater tickets. And she spent hours on the phone with tech support to help get the internet set up for me - that was a nightmare. But it's all ok! So yay for my new place. That first night Paulette fed me green beans and homemade vegie meatloaf she had made - very cool!

So I went to work on Tuesday - it is a bit of a longer ride from down here, but it works. Tuesdays my carpool guy comes home early to go sailing, so I got to go on a nice bike ride in the area! My roommate recommended her route - going across town on 10th St. to the East River. There are some beautiful views of the water, bridges, and buildings on that trail on the east. Then I biked down to the tip - past South Seaport. It was fun, although the trail isn't as good as on the west. Then of course I came back up the west path along the Hudson. It was really fun, and a pretty good ride! Although I get frustrated riding on the streets and having to stop all the time. So nice to have a new route. Then I ended up walking around the neighborhood - love it! Walked down Bleecker street where there are tons of cool places. Tons of gourmet stores - teas, ice cream, olives, wines, cheese, breads. Yum! I stopped at a place for a slice of pizza that my carpool guy said was in the best in the neighborhood. It was pretty good, but I burned my mouth... Then stopped for yummy gelato (also recommended by my carpool guy) on the way home. Got eggnog and spicy chocolate :-). Then walked down Hudson - got a few things at a store, and passed all the cool restaurants and bars. Too tempting! Then headed home.

Wednesday was a semi-day off. I stayed home and ran up the west river track. Running outside is a lot harder than on a machine in a gym! But I made it - did my 5K. And it was beautiful. To cool down I walked along the pier at the end of my street. Very fun. Then I got ready and went to a really cute coffee shop just a couple of streets up with free wifi! It's small, but cute, and friendly, and the tables are sections of tree trunk :-). So was glad to find that. Then buzzed off to meet Christine and friends Ryan and Amy! We went to a quick lunch - they grabbed pizza slices and I got an eggplant parmigiana hero sandwich which was cheesy, but cool. It was fun to get to know Christine's friends - they are cool nerds, too - and sporty! We had fun conversations about work spouses too :-). And then we went to Wicked - the musical! We'd been looking forward to this for awhile. I read the book recently and the story - Wizard of Oz from the Wicked Witch's point of view - was really cool. The musical was amazing! Very extravagant - in scenery, props, costumes - all very excessive! And the songs were very nice. It was a sort of fantastical story with flying monkeys and stuff, so sometimes it seemed a little over the top to me, and Christine was a bit disappointed with the voices of the 2 main women. But overall it was a very fun story and a great show! Very fun :-). And although it was different from the book, parts were better :-). Glad to see it! And we had really close seats too. So that was cool. So we jumped on a subway after and went out to Brooklyn! Christine knew an authentic Lebanese restaurant that her dad had brought her to before (he's Lebanese). She was so happy - she said everything tasted like her grandmother's cooking! She told us what to get - the pate was a specialty, but not quite my favorite. I loved the spinach pies, and the roasted pepper and walnut spread was pretty good. Then I had Kibbi balls in yogurt for the meal - very tasty, and with lamb and pine nuts! Yum. And we got a sample of a sweet dessert with phyllo dough - very nice round off to the meal! So we had a lot of fun, and rushed back to the city so they could make their train back to Maryland. I wish they could've stayed longer - we had a lot of fun! I might try to visit them down there before I go back to Austin... Good theater and good food - can't be beat.

We played with the internet Wednesday night for 2.5 hours - ugh. Couldn't get the router I bought to work, but it turned out to be a falty ethernet port on the modem. Ugh - hate dealing with these things! Take so long... But we ordered a new modem from the ISP and finally finally got internet working on Friday - yay! Pain in my butt.

Thursday was another day at work... Not much went on. When I got home I walked around the area more. Then ended up at another carpool recommended place - Mexicana Mama - really close to my place. It was so good - authentic Mexican food with some awesome cheese (chihuaua) and spices. I had a sort of creamy jalapeno salsa that was awesome - not too hot. And a blood orange margarita. And yummy mahi mahi fish tacos with a spicy sauce :-). So good! And then I treated myself to a flan dessert - don't worry, I took leftovers! But their flan was thicker - sorta like cheesecake, and they put a sort of caramel on it and mixed nuts - tasty. Another good night :-).

Friday I went to work again - although it's usually my stay at home day, I'd done that 2 days already this week. So had a good day at work, and left a bit early and took a bus down to the city. I really wanted tickets to a NY City Center "Fall for Dance" festival, and they were sold out by the time I called, but cancellation tickets were available the day of the performance starting at 6:30. So I got there about 5:20 and got tickets!! It's not much fun to wait, but it paid off - I got a great orchestra seat. Went home to drop stuff off, then came back for the performance. Oh my God it was amazing! And only for $10. All these different companies came together and each showcased a main piece of theirs. It was awesome. They all were very different styles and at different tempos. But fun! The first one was actually 8 guys from South India - reminded me of Naveen. It was odd - 1/2 of them did music while the other half did dancing, but they all wore suits. It was interesting - Indian style dancing, but modern, and an interpretation on the crazy business world as the guys lived out a day of work. Very cool. Then 1 black women did a dance - frenetic really - about the "sacred feminine". 1/2 of her costume was a suite, and 1/2 was a tube top - sort of a balance between fun and responsibility. Very cool. Piece #3 of 5 was very seductive - a couple with a lot of work on the floor and rolling over each other - intertwined. Then piece #4 was by the Boston Ballet - although I thought it'd be less modern because the women were ballerinas in tutus and the shoes, it actually was sorta dark and they had both traditional elements with the guys lifting up the women, and other elements where the people looked broken and put their arms at weird angles and stuff. Interesting piece. The last one was really energetic and fun! This group was from South Africa! There were guys that did tap, guys that stomped around and hit noise-making pads on their legs. They were always making a lot of noise and music and always high energy - jumping around. And through the performance they got less clothed which was really fun. A great finale to a great night! I'm so glad I got to see such a variety of dance! Made me very happy. Then I just grabbed a make-it-yourself salad from a deli and walked down to Rockefeller Center to eat it. That night it seemed the city was mine - beautiful and full of opportunity. They were filming at the Rockefeller Center - they had an ice rink up (tho it was 80 that day) and in the middle like a carpetted lounge area with leather couches where fancy people were hanging out! Very weird. But they played fun 80s skate music. Then I headed down to the E. Village to hang out with Mo - softball guy. He was hanging out with 2 friends from college - a couple - that were really nice. They live up in Westchester. They were fun to talk to, tho Mo was bummed about turning 30 (Sat was his bday). So we just went out for drinks. Mo knew the bartenders, so we got some nice treatment - had a great drink called "Chillin on my carpet" with Kahlua, Frangelico, and cream I think. Yum. Was fun, but I stayed too late and drank a little too much. But it was fun :-).

Saturday! See - big update... I slept in - didn't want to do anything. Finally got up and going out of the house around 2pm. Walked to Union Square - my favorite area. Went to a huge farmer's market that lifted my spirits - love fresh fruit and vegies! Then hit up a street festival in the area - bought some treasures! Bought a neat picture of New York City - midtown with the Empire State Building - one I liked Mom! It was neat - had a nice view from the water with city lights reflected. So yay! Hopefully my last souvenir. Then I got a neat glass teardrop necklace with a bunch of colors in it - I couldn't resist. And a neat Indian-influenced funky spaghetti strap top in browns and greens. Fun! I wore that shirt to go out later in the night for Mo's birthday! But yes, I kept going around Union Square - hit up Trader Joes which was fun, but there's only 1 in the city so lines were amazingly long. And finally, with all purchases in tow, I stopped at Filenne's Basement to find a sweater and tights to wear with the wool skirt I bought before. Success - after waiting in line to try everything on. Everything here is a line - too many people! Then I bussed home - very tired with all my stuff. I actually took a quick nap. Then headed out - in my awesome brown boots that I bought in Boston, and of course my new shirt, to the East side. I ate as Veselka - a well-established Ukranian famous retaurant. I did a sample-dinner: tasty borscht, salad, then meat-stuffed cabbage, pierogies, and kielbasa sausage. Yum! Nice to eat ethnic food - at least I love it. Then joined Mo and company celebrating his birthday at bars across from his place! Met a lot of his friends - they were all really nice, and most from around here. It was nice to hang out and chat with fun people - got a couple of invites to hang out again. All good people, but it made me miss MY old friends, and feel a bit out of place. Sometimes you just get tired of putting yourself out there all the time - being the gregarious one! Trying everything new... But had fun - chatted with Mo's cousin too who is nice. Left a bit earlier than the night before because I wasn't into drinking much 2 nights in a row! But it was also neat to tell people my story, and have them be really impressed with me moving out to NY by myself just for the experience! It's not always an easy city :-).

Which brings us to today. I gotta stop doing things, because there's too much to blog about! I got up early - when am I going to sleep?! I went on a bike ride which was fun. Turns out the east river track doesn't go all the way up and it was sorta a pain. But cut across central park which was pretty as always. Nice to bike and exercise. Then came home, showered quickly to get ready to go to an Off Broadway show my roommate recommended - this was the last day of some 2 week theater festival. I saw Jane Austen's Emma performed on stage in a musical. Totally neat! Awesome story - classic of course. I wasn't sure how it'd be in a musical, but they did a really good job. And it was fun in a small theater to be so close to the stage. The actors did a good job. Sometimes were pretty funny and cheeky, but all in all a great story to get lost in. Ah, romance. Sigh. So left to a beautiful day - we've had more summer days lately. Walked around a bit, then headed to East Village again. I heard about a good authentic German restaurant celebrating Oktoberfest, so I wanted to go. And they had a band and everything - with an accordian, basson, trumpet, and french horn! And roudy beer drinkers who cheersed and swayed and sang along. It was crowded and I had to wait to even get inside. But I had a small stein of Hoffbrau beer in the spirit, and a Bavarian pretzel. :-). Then got bratwurst with potato salad and sauerkraut to go for dinner. I had fun, but felt weird being there in a rowdy crowded place by myself. Think it would've been better with other people. :-(. But yeah - so headed home and ate tasty German food there. Nice to be home and relax. And talked to my roommate - we might go to the New York Film Festival tomorrow! Fun. Hit the grocery store quickly to have lunch for tomorrow, and just been relaxing the rest of the night. And now I'm ready to go sleep!

Good weekend (and week!), but yet again, I feel tired by all my activities and feel I should take some down time. Hopefully I can this week. I try to do everything - maybe to make life exciting and new, but maybe sometimes life can be slow and boring! We'll see :-). Just feel I should take advantage of this amazing city and all I can while I'm here... Fun Fun - and so much going on!

Love to all... J