So I'll just warn you - sometimes I use this as my outlet when I don't have someone to talk to. Or just when I want to. And I feel some of my deeper writing is best when I'm feeling frustrated emotionally - well that's also when I like to write because I feel I need to get feelings out to deal with them - verbally or apparently by typing too.
It doesn't feel the same. Maybe I've changed, and maybe my situation is different, but it's different now. I'm not as needy - I don't cry myself to sleep about being alone, feeling this totally empty lonely feeling like I did when I was young. I don't fret over never finding the right ONE for me. Now - now I'm just tired. I drop into bed relieved that the day is over, and hope I can sleep well. But feelings are deeper - not on the surface.
I realized this today when I saw my friend Mike for the first time in months - he's a friend from school and he came to visit IBM. I was soooo happy to see him - it surprised even me. So nice to see a familiar face, a kind face. I was just happy he was here, although the whole time I saw Mike today was in big groups of IBM people and I haven't gotten to talk to him. Altho I didn't expect to, for some reason this disappointed me. I guess he was my confidante back in Portland that first summer. He became a close friend when I really needed one. Even though we don't talk all the time in Austin, I feel like he knows me pretty well. And I have news to tell him, and I heard he has news. And all day I haven't talked to him, and won't tomorrow either. But Saturday we are taking the 10 hour train ride to Montreal together, so I'm not too worried :-).
But there was something in my emotion when I saw him... I realized tonight it might be that I just hunger for people who know me - everyday people who I can relax around, who I can be myself with. Although I have some friends here, I don't feel totally relaxed - I still don't know what they are thinking of me. Even people at work, and even softball guy. I did talk on the phone to Christine the other night, and that was really nice. But I guess it's not the same. And being on the phone - I realized - really taxes me. I don't know why, but it's a chore and I can't wait to get off most of the time.
So I digress - I guess I end up more deeply affected. I can go about my daily routine and fill hours, but I feel less fulfilled overall. Sometimes depressed which comes out in my eating habits more than anything. I wish it was easier to control - it's really bad when I sit at my desk all afternoon - I want to snack all the time. But anyway. I wish it felt easier to be carefree, to relax. Too many things going on and not enough just time - to even hang out with people, or sleep! But I feel when I go back to Austin things will be better in one sense - I'll have people around who know me. But in another it'll be harder because all of my friends are married or engaged, and I'll be reminded a lot that I'm the single one. I was trying to tell a friend why hearing about my friend's big life events (engagement and pregnancy) affect me so much lately, but it is hard. Intellectually it's fine, but emotionally it's hard on me. I think part of it is that I've been the setlle down kind of person for a long time. It's not like I've been a partier all my life and am just realizing I need to settle down so to speak. Anyway...
A couple quick things about this week - went swimming Wednesday night which made me really happy. Over 2/3 of a mile in < 40 minutes after being out of practice! I went to a city facility - you are supposed to be a member, but I talked them into letting me try it once :-). Fun. Then I went to look at another place to live - that is very exhausting too. But it's right next to Union Square which is where I've always wanted to be. It'll mean a 15 minute walk to my carpool, but oh well! I actually was supposed to see this place when I was looking in October, but she bailed on me. Weird. But it's awesome! Weird layout, but huge front room (which is mine) with 20-25 feet ceilings and amazing skylights (need to see them in the day). It's cute with sort of African print stuff, wooden floors, bookcases to the ceiling, and plants everywhere. So fun :-). I'm actually in the living room with a "very comfortable" futon. The kitchen is also in this huge room, and off of it a closet and a toilet. This is all separated by my roommate's room by a hallway. She never uses the front room and is seldom home anyway, but I have to go through her room to get to the shower. Needless to say I decided to take it. So housing problem solved - finally and for hte last time. Yay! Not looking forward to the moving again, but it should be better this time. So was very happy last night. Tonight went to swanky dinner on IBM with Mike and Kathryn and mentor Martin. Had grouper that was tasty - macadamia nut encrusted. And now - to bed! Almost Montreal time.
Have a good weekend...
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Fun weekend + confusion
So I'm currently at a laundromat - for the first time in my life! Wow. I never want to do this again. Well, it's fine if you don't have to lug your laundry with you several blocks, and if doing a small load of wash doesn't cost $3.50. Oh well. At least it'll get done!
So I can't tell you all the crazy things going on in my life! Well, I'll try, but so much goes through my head, and so much is discussed with other people, it's hard to keep up :-). But yes - I'm totally confused in my life. But I feel like that's ok. Right now I don't want to make big decisions, or know what I'm doing. I just want to float. That's unlike me, but I'm ok with it :-). Maybe it's a reaction to my life, my stress. My friend this weekend said major stress is proportional to the big life changes going on in your life - and I'm experiencing several now. Moving, career crisis, and relationship ending. It's all up in the air. I wish I could let myself relax, let it all go. Why do I continually stop myself? Why do I have such restraint, such conscience, such a compass, and such fear? Well, it makes me me, and I'm going to trust my instincts right now. It's what I got.
But let me just reassure again - I'm ok. I had a hard day Friday. I learned of major life events of my friends back in Austin (engagement, pregnancy) and it actually quite depressed me. Partially because I am not there to be a part of their news, and partly because my peers are moving ahead in their personal lives and I am not necessarily. I know I can't compare myself to anyone, but there's still some weird feelings there. I want to be the one getting engaged. But I really do want it to be with the right person.... So se la vie. And part of my Friday woes were feeling like real friends weren't around to talk to. I just needed to reach out to someone, talk... I'm better now :-).
And as much as I complain my butt off about grad school - I realized talking to Naveen last night (yes, I went to him as a reach out person) that I have a big complex about Comp Sci. Sure, the culture could not jive with my personality, but a lot of disappointment is in my head, and wrapped up with my expectations. And actually with a lot of Naveen's expectations of himself in grad school which I can never live up to. Given - he didn't expect me to, but I still felt all his opinions on passion and sacrificing for the PhD every day. So anyway. I need to work through that, and some anger. Lots of confusion. But I'm hopeful. I really want my research to work out, and I really want to stay in grad school. Sure maybe I don't want to research when I get out - I really love to teach :-). But that is down the line.
And some other confusion - people and NYC. I guess I keep having these contradicting feelings. I really am lonely and want to reach out to people. And the people that are there saying "pick me, pick me", I end up shying away from. I know part of it is fear. Part of it is knowing they aren't right. So I need people, and I shy away from them. And I miss Austin terribly, but walking around this city this weekend I realized that I LOVE it, that I'm going to miss it. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to move here. It's really hard here ALL the time. I have a love/hate relationship with this place, and my love and hate for it both grow daily :-). It's frustrating and impersonal and dirty and you have to laboriously do everything, and there's too much going on (gluttony). But then again, everything is so accessible, and the parks are wonderful and the food is fantastic, and I love the variety and how people aren't afraid to be themselves, and I love the sunsets on the water, and gazing at the Empire State Building and seeing the city lights at night. So that's me - filled with contrary emotions :-). Yippee.
Ok, so after that dump - now I'll tell you about my weekend! Thursday I was supposed to go to dinner with my Princeton friend Sharon and she cancelled last minute and I was super bummed. At least I know she has no intentions when we go to dinner, unlike certain male friends. But anyway, so I convinced Ramon (carpool guy) to go get a beer with me. We went to an awesome local bar and got 2 Hefeweisens. Very tasty, and good ambiance! He's a really nice guy - I feel like he's a good friend how that we talk close to 2 hours per day. But yeah - 2 beers after working out and not eating since lunch - fun. Then I decided I wanted to see an artsy movie that Ramon and Sharon had recommended earlier that day, so I ran to catch it at the neat Angelika theater. It was called "2 Days in Paris". It was about a relationship that had been going 2 years, and the couple went to Paris for 2 days and it fell apart - almost. In the end they stayed together. It was sorta sad for me, but well done. Then I grabbed garlic knots and a mozzarella slice of pizza on the way home - food is always better late at night when you are hungry :-).
Friday I stayed home - couldn't make myself get up early or exercise. Boo. But I ended up at a neat cafe with Wifi on Hudson - had a panini that was tasty. But it had no plugs, so I had to leave and go to my favorite coffee shop on Charles. It's so cute! And friendly - I know the person that works there :-). So I worked from there - ate too many snacks, and enjoyed myself. Ate a great slice of pumpkin bread with chunks of apple in it that they were experimenting with! Love warm bread :-). Then went home and took off to go to Negril which I'd wanted to check out - a Jamaican restaurant! I have been craving jerk chicken since I left Jamaica, so I got some :-). Unfortunately they were out of calaloo. It was tasty, but not as tasty as I had on island :-). Then went to meet softball guy (Mo) at his friend's birthday party. I felt very cool because my name had to be on a list at this club to get into their private room which they had rented out - with unlimited drinks! And they brought cake and had some appetizers! Holy cow. That was way nicer than the rest of the crowded club. Although I wandered around once and the music was better elsewhere. I really had fun hanging out with Mo's friends! The girls are really nice and we bonded and danced a bit and just had fun. Left later than I intended - got home at 4am! Well, it's hard here when last call isn't until then :-).
So Saturday got up and went for a run along the water. It was really nice - crisp cool morning (late morning) with bright sunshine. Very nice running weather. It's totally fall here, btw. 50s in the morning, 60s during the day. And I kinda like it! Got dressed, and went to meet my friend that last minute came to visit this weekend from Austin! Sorta dropped on my doorstep and said "entertain me". Also he sorta liked me which I felt put me in a weird spot a bit - although I told him he couldn't stay with me (my roommate is Nazi about it). But we hung out for Sat and Sun and had fun. I showed him the awesome view of the city, NJ, the statue of liberty and the Empire State Building I had discovered at the end of the pier near my house which is really cool. Then we grabbed a brunch-like lunch, and headed down to Battery Park where a culture fest was going on. It was mostly booths talking about upcoming events in the arts, theater, museums and such, but it was fun. We sat and listened to a jazz orchestra for awhile. Then we walked up town (past touristy spots of course - can't get away from it), and got tickets to an off-Broadway play Ramon recommended! It was awesome - a 1-man show called "Tings Dey Happen" about the oil politics in Nigeria. I knew nothing about it, but it was really intelligent and I learned a lot - it was sad. This guy got a Fullbright Scholarship to go study the situation there for a year, and he played all these characters - conglomerations of people he met there. He did fabulously and it was great - he was great at different voices and personalities, and even had comic relief. The Nigerians that spoke pidgin were hard to understand :-). So that was really fun. Before my friend and I actually grabbed a small dinner at an Italian place in Little Italy - Bruschetta and risotto. Then we wandered to the East Side because friend wanted dessert and the only thing I could think of was the Chocolate Cafe that I had gone to over there. Despite them being super-slow, it was very tasty - a warm chocolate cake that oozed when you cut into it. Then we headed back to the west side and hit up the local bar that Ramon showed me again. It was way more crowded, but still fun. So that was the end of the night and my friend went to his hotel!
Marathon entry... So Sunday I told him I really needed to sleep in. I hadn't been getting enough sleep... Do I ever? So I didn't get up until 11:40 :-). Finally headed out and met up with my friend, and then we went to brunch again. Got a nice omelette with spinach and feta, plus toast, a coffee and a mimosa all for $11.50! Great in NY! Then we headed up to the Natural History Museum because that's what my friend wanted to do. I'd been there, but going back in detail over the "Origin of Humans" and "Meteorite" exhibits was fun. Then we got tickets to the "Mystical Creatures" exhibit which I had really wanted to see. It was great! It wasn't big, but I spent almost an hour in there reading about the sea, land, air, and dragon creatures. Some signs talked about the myths (from different parts of the world) and how they came about and why sometimes. It was great learning about mermaids, sea monsters, griffins, cyclops (actually probably based on an elephant skull with a hole in the middle for the trunk), unicorns, dragons, pegasus, etc. They even had chupacabra :-). I eat that stuff up - have always loved myths and stories :-). So that was fun. Then my friend and I wandered through Central Park and ended up at the Boathouse next to the water with a glass of wine. Very chill and nice. Then we went to a Persian restaurant (thought of you Negin!) on the east side I'd been wanting to try. This obsession of mine with trying every different kind of food possible is actually comical. But got some fabulous rack of lamb. My eggplant puree actually wasn't that good, but the sour cherry rice was pretty interesting. So, good times. And afterwards my friend was like "what now". I'm like "It's close to 10 on a school night - I'm going home!". So he had a flight out at 7am and decided just to take the subway out to the airport and sleep there rather than pay for a hotel room! Crazy, but said goodbye to him. It was nice to see a friend back from Austin, but as I say a bit awkward. But nice to talk with someone and hang out and have someone to go to dinner with :-).
So I had an exhausting weekend! But I made it. I chilled last night and made fish at home. I wanted to go to bed early, but talk with Naveen made that not happen. But it was actually a really nice talk. I guess I like that he knows me so well, and that ease of talking to each other.... So life is weird, but I'm just floating. Wish that equaled no stress! Feel like a whirlwind.
I went on a bike ride today after work and I love that I just easily biked by the World Trade Center sight, the Statue of Liberty, and the Empire State Building. Fun views. But biking on the streets is very scary. And I stopped to look at 2 potential places to live in November on the bike home. Both actually nice - will have to decide but I don't feel like blogging about them now. Seeing another tomorrow night. Crazy life! And I leave for the conference in Montreal early Saturday morning! No rest for the weary.
Ok I better sign off - laundry is almost done. Sorry it's so long. Have a good week!
So I can't tell you all the crazy things going on in my life! Well, I'll try, but so much goes through my head, and so much is discussed with other people, it's hard to keep up :-). But yes - I'm totally confused in my life. But I feel like that's ok. Right now I don't want to make big decisions, or know what I'm doing. I just want to float. That's unlike me, but I'm ok with it :-). Maybe it's a reaction to my life, my stress. My friend this weekend said major stress is proportional to the big life changes going on in your life - and I'm experiencing several now. Moving, career crisis, and relationship ending. It's all up in the air. I wish I could let myself relax, let it all go. Why do I continually stop myself? Why do I have such restraint, such conscience, such a compass, and such fear? Well, it makes me me, and I'm going to trust my instincts right now. It's what I got.
But let me just reassure again - I'm ok. I had a hard day Friday. I learned of major life events of my friends back in Austin (engagement, pregnancy) and it actually quite depressed me. Partially because I am not there to be a part of their news, and partly because my peers are moving ahead in their personal lives and I am not necessarily. I know I can't compare myself to anyone, but there's still some weird feelings there. I want to be the one getting engaged. But I really do want it to be with the right person.... So se la vie. And part of my Friday woes were feeling like real friends weren't around to talk to. I just needed to reach out to someone, talk... I'm better now :-).
And as much as I complain my butt off about grad school - I realized talking to Naveen last night (yes, I went to him as a reach out person) that I have a big complex about Comp Sci. Sure, the culture could not jive with my personality, but a lot of disappointment is in my head, and wrapped up with my expectations. And actually with a lot of Naveen's expectations of himself in grad school which I can never live up to. Given - he didn't expect me to, but I still felt all his opinions on passion and sacrificing for the PhD every day. So anyway. I need to work through that, and some anger. Lots of confusion. But I'm hopeful. I really want my research to work out, and I really want to stay in grad school. Sure maybe I don't want to research when I get out - I really love to teach :-). But that is down the line.
And some other confusion - people and NYC. I guess I keep having these contradicting feelings. I really am lonely and want to reach out to people. And the people that are there saying "pick me, pick me", I end up shying away from. I know part of it is fear. Part of it is knowing they aren't right. So I need people, and I shy away from them. And I miss Austin terribly, but walking around this city this weekend I realized that I LOVE it, that I'm going to miss it. Don't get me wrong - I don't want to move here. It's really hard here ALL the time. I have a love/hate relationship with this place, and my love and hate for it both grow daily :-). It's frustrating and impersonal and dirty and you have to laboriously do everything, and there's too much going on (gluttony). But then again, everything is so accessible, and the parks are wonderful and the food is fantastic, and I love the variety and how people aren't afraid to be themselves, and I love the sunsets on the water, and gazing at the Empire State Building and seeing the city lights at night. So that's me - filled with contrary emotions :-). Yippee.
Ok, so after that dump - now I'll tell you about my weekend! Thursday I was supposed to go to dinner with my Princeton friend Sharon and she cancelled last minute and I was super bummed. At least I know she has no intentions when we go to dinner, unlike certain male friends. But anyway, so I convinced Ramon (carpool guy) to go get a beer with me. We went to an awesome local bar and got 2 Hefeweisens. Very tasty, and good ambiance! He's a really nice guy - I feel like he's a good friend how that we talk close to 2 hours per day. But yeah - 2 beers after working out and not eating since lunch - fun. Then I decided I wanted to see an artsy movie that Ramon and Sharon had recommended earlier that day, so I ran to catch it at the neat Angelika theater. It was called "2 Days in Paris". It was about a relationship that had been going 2 years, and the couple went to Paris for 2 days and it fell apart - almost. In the end they stayed together. It was sorta sad for me, but well done. Then I grabbed garlic knots and a mozzarella slice of pizza on the way home - food is always better late at night when you are hungry :-).
Friday I stayed home - couldn't make myself get up early or exercise. Boo. But I ended up at a neat cafe with Wifi on Hudson - had a panini that was tasty. But it had no plugs, so I had to leave and go to my favorite coffee shop on Charles. It's so cute! And friendly - I know the person that works there :-). So I worked from there - ate too many snacks, and enjoyed myself. Ate a great slice of pumpkin bread with chunks of apple in it that they were experimenting with! Love warm bread :-). Then went home and took off to go to Negril which I'd wanted to check out - a Jamaican restaurant! I have been craving jerk chicken since I left Jamaica, so I got some :-). Unfortunately they were out of calaloo. It was tasty, but not as tasty as I had on island :-). Then went to meet softball guy (Mo) at his friend's birthday party. I felt very cool because my name had to be on a list at this club to get into their private room which they had rented out - with unlimited drinks! And they brought cake and had some appetizers! Holy cow. That was way nicer than the rest of the crowded club. Although I wandered around once and the music was better elsewhere. I really had fun hanging out with Mo's friends! The girls are really nice and we bonded and danced a bit and just had fun. Left later than I intended - got home at 4am! Well, it's hard here when last call isn't until then :-).
So Saturday got up and went for a run along the water. It was really nice - crisp cool morning (late morning) with bright sunshine. Very nice running weather. It's totally fall here, btw. 50s in the morning, 60s during the day. And I kinda like it! Got dressed, and went to meet my friend that last minute came to visit this weekend from Austin! Sorta dropped on my doorstep and said "entertain me". Also he sorta liked me which I felt put me in a weird spot a bit - although I told him he couldn't stay with me (my roommate is Nazi about it). But we hung out for Sat and Sun and had fun. I showed him the awesome view of the city, NJ, the statue of liberty and the Empire State Building I had discovered at the end of the pier near my house which is really cool. Then we grabbed a brunch-like lunch, and headed down to Battery Park where a culture fest was going on. It was mostly booths talking about upcoming events in the arts, theater, museums and such, but it was fun. We sat and listened to a jazz orchestra for awhile. Then we walked up town (past touristy spots of course - can't get away from it), and got tickets to an off-Broadway play Ramon recommended! It was awesome - a 1-man show called "Tings Dey Happen" about the oil politics in Nigeria. I knew nothing about it, but it was really intelligent and I learned a lot - it was sad. This guy got a Fullbright Scholarship to go study the situation there for a year, and he played all these characters - conglomerations of people he met there. He did fabulously and it was great - he was great at different voices and personalities, and even had comic relief. The Nigerians that spoke pidgin were hard to understand :-). So that was really fun. Before my friend and I actually grabbed a small dinner at an Italian place in Little Italy - Bruschetta and risotto. Then we wandered to the East Side because friend wanted dessert and the only thing I could think of was the Chocolate Cafe that I had gone to over there. Despite them being super-slow, it was very tasty - a warm chocolate cake that oozed when you cut into it. Then we headed back to the west side and hit up the local bar that Ramon showed me again. It was way more crowded, but still fun. So that was the end of the night and my friend went to his hotel!
Marathon entry... So Sunday I told him I really needed to sleep in. I hadn't been getting enough sleep... Do I ever? So I didn't get up until 11:40 :-). Finally headed out and met up with my friend, and then we went to brunch again. Got a nice omelette with spinach and feta, plus toast, a coffee and a mimosa all for $11.50! Great in NY! Then we headed up to the Natural History Museum because that's what my friend wanted to do. I'd been there, but going back in detail over the "Origin of Humans" and "Meteorite" exhibits was fun. Then we got tickets to the "Mystical Creatures" exhibit which I had really wanted to see. It was great! It wasn't big, but I spent almost an hour in there reading about the sea, land, air, and dragon creatures. Some signs talked about the myths (from different parts of the world) and how they came about and why sometimes. It was great learning about mermaids, sea monsters, griffins, cyclops (actually probably based on an elephant skull with a hole in the middle for the trunk), unicorns, dragons, pegasus, etc. They even had chupacabra :-). I eat that stuff up - have always loved myths and stories :-). So that was fun. Then my friend and I wandered through Central Park and ended up at the Boathouse next to the water with a glass of wine. Very chill and nice. Then we went to a Persian restaurant (thought of you Negin!) on the east side I'd been wanting to try. This obsession of mine with trying every different kind of food possible is actually comical. But got some fabulous rack of lamb. My eggplant puree actually wasn't that good, but the sour cherry rice was pretty interesting. So, good times. And afterwards my friend was like "what now". I'm like "It's close to 10 on a school night - I'm going home!". So he had a flight out at 7am and decided just to take the subway out to the airport and sleep there rather than pay for a hotel room! Crazy, but said goodbye to him. It was nice to see a friend back from Austin, but as I say a bit awkward. But nice to talk with someone and hang out and have someone to go to dinner with :-).
So I had an exhausting weekend! But I made it. I chilled last night and made fish at home. I wanted to go to bed early, but talk with Naveen made that not happen. But it was actually a really nice talk. I guess I like that he knows me so well, and that ease of talking to each other.... So life is weird, but I'm just floating. Wish that equaled no stress! Feel like a whirlwind.
I went on a bike ride today after work and I love that I just easily biked by the World Trade Center sight, the Statue of Liberty, and the Empire State Building. Fun views. But biking on the streets is very scary. And I stopped to look at 2 potential places to live in November on the bike home. Both actually nice - will have to decide but I don't feel like blogging about them now. Seeing another tomorrow night. Crazy life! And I leave for the conference in Montreal early Saturday morning! No rest for the weary.
Ok I better sign off - laundry is almost done. Sorry it's so long. Have a good week!
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