Feelings

So I'll just warn you - sometimes I use this as my outlet when I don't have someone to talk to. Or just when I want to. And I feel some of my deeper writing is best when I'm feeling frustrated emotionally - well that's also when I like to write because I feel I need to get feelings out to deal with them - verbally or apparently by typing too.

It doesn't feel the same. Maybe I've changed, and maybe my situation is different, but it's different now. I'm not as needy - I don't cry myself to sleep about being alone, feeling this totally empty lonely feeling like I did when I was young. I don't fret over never finding the right ONE for me. Now - now I'm just tired. I drop into bed relieved that the day is over, and hope I can sleep well. But feelings are deeper - not on the surface.

I realized this today when I saw my friend Mike for the first time in months - he's a friend from school and he came to visit IBM. I was soooo happy to see him - it surprised even me. So nice to see a familiar face, a kind face. I was just happy he was here, although the whole time I saw Mike today was in big groups of IBM people and I haven't gotten to talk to him. Altho I didn't expect to, for some reason this disappointed me. I guess he was my confidante back in Portland that first summer. He became a close friend when I really needed one. Even though we don't talk all the time in Austin, I feel like he knows me pretty well. And I have news to tell him, and I heard he has news. And all day I haven't talked to him, and won't tomorrow either. But Saturday we are taking the 10 hour train ride to Montreal together, so I'm not too worried :-).

But there was something in my emotion when I saw him... I realized tonight it might be that I just hunger for people who know me - everyday people who I can relax around, who I can be myself with. Although I have some friends here, I don't feel totally relaxed - I still don't know what they are thinking of me. Even people at work, and even softball guy. I did talk on the phone to Christine the other night, and that was really nice. But I guess it's not the same. And being on the phone - I realized - really taxes me. I don't know why, but it's a chore and I can't wait to get off most of the time.

So I digress - I guess I end up more deeply affected. I can go about my daily routine and fill hours, but I feel less fulfilled overall. Sometimes depressed which comes out in my eating habits more than anything. I wish it was easier to control - it's really bad when I sit at my desk all afternoon - I want to snack all the time. But anyway. I wish it felt easier to be carefree, to relax. Too many things going on and not enough just time - to even hang out with people, or sleep! But I feel when I go back to Austin things will be better in one sense - I'll have people around who know me. But in another it'll be harder because all of my friends are married or engaged, and I'll be reminded a lot that I'm the single one. I was trying to tell a friend why hearing about my friend's big life events (engagement and pregnancy) affect me so much lately, but it is hard. Intellectually it's fine, but emotionally it's hard on me. I think part of it is that I've been the setlle down kind of person for a long time. It's not like I've been a partier all my life and am just realizing I need to settle down so to speak. Anyway...

A couple quick things about this week - went swimming Wednesday night which made me really happy. Over 2/3 of a mile in < 40 minutes after being out of practice! I went to a city facility - you are supposed to be a member, but I talked them into letting me try it once :-). Fun. Then I went to look at another place to live - that is very exhausting too. But it's right next to Union Square which is where I've always wanted to be. It'll mean a 15 minute walk to my carpool, but oh well! I actually was supposed to see this place when I was looking in October, but she bailed on me. Weird. But it's awesome! Weird layout, but huge front room (which is mine) with 20-25 feet ceilings and amazing skylights (need to see them in the day). It's cute with sort of African print stuff, wooden floors, bookcases to the ceiling, and plants everywhere. So fun :-). I'm actually in the living room with a "very comfortable" futon. The kitchen is also in this huge room, and off of it a closet and a toilet. This is all separated by my roommate's room by a hallway. She never uses the front room and is seldom home anyway, but I have to go through her room to get to the shower. Needless to say I decided to take it. So housing problem solved - finally and for hte last time. Yay! Not looking forward to the moving again, but it should be better this time. So was very happy last night. Tonight went to swanky dinner on IBM with Mike and Kathryn and mentor Martin. Had grouper that was tasty - macadamia nut encrusted. And now - to bed! Almost Montreal time.

Have a good weekend...