I Don't Know How to Take it Easy on Myself

So, lots of thoughts swirling through my head, as usual.

I moved Monday. There you have it - that embodies the title of the post right there :-). Yes, why was I moving again, you ask? Because I don't know how to take it easy on myself. No, actually more because of logistics. Although I liked where I was and my roommate enjoyed me as a roommate, she's leave Nov 17 for 4 months and wants a sublettor for that whole time. So I had to vacate. Wasn't fun coming home from a weekend away and having to pack up all my belongs again - ugh. But I tried to focus on the positive - the new place is spacious, in a fabulous neighborhood (Union Square) which is where I wanted to live anyway, and the new roommate seemed like she would give me more privacy. So anyway, I go through the pain of packing things up (I just put a huge dirty clothes bag straight into 1 suitcase :-) - fun). I also went running along the water in the late morning, and tho it was 50 degrees, I went in a t-shirt and shorts. Which was perfect! I thoroughly enjoyed my run, although I wish it wasn't still difficult and made me feel slow. But I made it. Then I biked my bike to my new place (carried it down 2 flights to ride it, then up 3 to my new place). Finally when I was ready, went to my favorite coffee shop in the Village to do some work the rest of the day. Then my friend Mo came to help me move (with car) around 8:30. It was so AWESOME to have his help - wow, it just made it so much easier. Good times. He really liked my new spacious place with books and plants and arabic/african art and blankets everywhere.

So what do I do, but go out walking looking for dinner, feeling a bit lonely. And who do I run into by chance in Union Square? (I know a handful of people here, so it's not too hard to run through the list.). Rishi! He's the Indian guy - friend of Emina's that we hung out with a bit! So good to see him - right when I'm down, some little thing picks me up and shows me the world can be forgiving. Anyway, he invited me to an Indian Divali party this weekend, so I think I'm going to check that out - yippee! And though there are tons of restaurants around my new place (and stores I want to check out), I go to one I've been to (Coffee Bar) and get a Cobb Salad for dinner. And afterwards good friend Christine calls me back after her class, and we have a good chat. It's so nice to have friends who are there for you :-). Another perk me up. So I go back to my new abode, and try to organize a little. I don't know if the heat works there -it's chilly. And I never saw my roommate that night, so I had no sheets yet, so I just slept on the futon with my 1 blanket and 1 I found and using my sweatshirt as a pillow, trying to stay warm with many layers of clothing on. The place is big and quiet. But there's a huge skylight way above me, and I hear rain pattering all night.

So Tuesday - work has been frustrating, but there might've been a breakthrough. More like I can stop waiting for some piece of the project done by someone else. We'll see. Then I have to do laundry after work. So on the way home (brrr cold - a cold front's come in and it's very chilly) I pick up some excellent Thai food - green curry with eggplant :-). Get my laundry ready, and because I've waited 3 weeks, haul the heavy bags bit by bit down the street to the close laundromat. Of course I get there, and it's closing (it's 8:20pm). The close one at my old place closed at 10 so I didn't think about it. So since I need laundry done and I can't carry the heavy bags anymore, I grab a cab and pay $7 for him to take me to a laundromat a couple avenues away that's still open. Ugh. Finally doing the laundry - was pretty painless there. Wish I didn't want like 1/2 my stuff air-dried, and I could just drop it off for them to wash for me! Anyway, done at 10, about ready to grab a cab home and pay the overhead, when the laundromat itself closes and the guy offers me a ride home. Why he has a car while living on 29th and working on 15th is beyond me. Now, mind you, scenes from Law and Order flash through my head: Unknown blonde girl left dead in alley. But I had had such an annoying day so far, and this was a glimmer of help. So I took him up on his ride home, and I'm fine :-). I refused his help to carry stuff up to my apartment - thought that was prudent, but the ride was nice. Glad to have clean clothes and be back in my place and organize a bit! Although wish it were warmer... But my roommate has since made up my bed for me which is nice of her :-).

But something pissed me off - I came home (to get my laundry) and roomie had moved all my suitcases to one corner of the room. Now given I had left them sort of all over, but she had said it was my room to do what I wanted with it, and she woudln't come in at all (even though it's the living room/kitchen). That mornign she had said the exterminator was going to come the next day, and could I move my stuff a bit so he could spray. I said fine, that I'd do it after work. Then I come home and she's moved my stuff!! I'm sorry this perturbs me so, but my last roommate moved my stuff, too, and I HATE it! It's MY stuff - I don't go into your room and move your stuff around. And I can't find anything after they do this. And it's a breach of privacy in my mind... Ugh. In the end it's not a big deal... I cleaned and organized more the rest of the night, but it made me sorta mad. Oh well.

Oh yeah - and the TV doesn't work in my new place, although she said I could plug it in and get basic channels if I wanted. I dont' watch much, and I thought about trying to take a break from TV altogether while I'm there, but it's just too comforting sometimes. And I only get 2 Netflix at a time! Anyway :-). And the lady doesn't eat at home AT ALL! There are sorta cups, and I asked about bowls for cereal, but she pointed to like Chinese rice bowls. We might have a couple utensils. Fun new place :-). But it's all an adventure.

Which brings me to this: I really haven't learned how to take it easy on myself. Don't know exactly when I transitioned, but I feel like I should be challenging myself, taking the harder road, learning, pushing all the time. That's why I don't let myself stop moving. Gotta do all there is to do in New York - enjoy it all and see it all (not really - it's impossible). Gotta try every ethnicity, and visit neighboring cities while I'm here (although I gave myself a break on Niagra). Gotta walk everywhere and not take cabs. Gotta save money. Gotta work out 5-6 times a week. All these gottas. Even my relationship, in retrospect, was a challenge. The whole adage "it should be easy". Maybe? It's not that straight-forward all the time. Feelings are tricky, and all relationships take work. But of course I picked a person to fall in love with who has this challenging personality - this way of communicating that is hard to understand and seems harsh to my personality. Both strong-willed too. Always a challenge. So are me and my expectations for myself. Not sure why I fight so much. Not sure why I insist. I do a lot of travelling, which is usually not the easiest thing in the world (tiring). But you see, a lot of these things have benefit, give happiness back. And that's definitely worth it. But you gotta do the analysis (me being so analytical). Exercise, I feel, gives great payback, so I fight for it. Travel can give great payback, but it gets exhausting. Depends on what it's for. So see - I've realized (and said before) that people matter to me the most. I fight so hard, and I need to reward myself sometimes. And besides through sweets (which have guilt all their own), my happiest reward to myself is through people - feeling love. I traveled to Illinois so much in the past because even though it was disruptive, uprooting, chaotic, and inconvenient, it brought me to the 1 person who could just give me such joy (and seeing auxilary people up in Illinois). That was my reward. And somehow with him I felt I could just totally relax. There's that theme again of being able to relax around people who really know you. Anyway... I think in New York I'm growing more tired of the challenge, because there is less reward. Don't get me wrong - there is reward. I see acts of kindness, especially from the few friends I have, and they mean so much to me! But it's never entirely relaxing, never entirely rewarding. Need more love :-). I can travel to Philadelphia and see the city and love the walking around, and love experiencing history, and get some reward for seeing a new place, trying a new food. But it's not as great as the reward of experiencing it with people I love, and who love me.

ADDITION: But I do have hope. And I am really proud of myself for doing the challenging thing. I feel like I'm a better person for it. I HAVE learned a lot! And experienced a lot. And I'm grateful (greatful?). Go me :-).

So there's my analysis, doc. Anyone have ideas, though, on how else to take it easy on myself? Change my expectations? Right :-). 4 weeks folks...