Hard time

So, ok, here's the problem. I have a hard time letting people in. I'm guarded. Very guarded. I'm usually other people's support. I give good advice, I am a good listener. I can be the voice of reason. I'm rational, pretty much. It's like when I taught tennis - I could see other people's flaws way easier than my own. So I try to help people. And I sort of brush people off when they ask how I'm doing. I answer, but I don't want to lean on people too much. It's too much to ask, really. I can give them a tidbit of what I'm feeling, but laugh it off. Yeah - things are fine. Research is slow, I miss Austin. NYC is exciting. All these things are true, but they aren't deep, you see. They aren't how I'm actually doing. Well, they are, but only at the surface. Why am I still scared to break down to people, to ask for help?

I was talking to my carpool guy (Ramon) yesterday about his home, the Dominican Republic. Similar to some of the Indian cultural things - he said family is everything. There, he said, there is no way you have a room or even bed to yourself if you have any family members the same sex as you. Whereas here, kids are given their own room to encourage their individuality, their growth, their space. But he said family will always be closer than friends. To me family is everything. Ok, I didn't share a bedroom while growing up. But the people that I consider myself tightest with are family members and my significant other. They are the people who should be there with me through thick and thin, who will accept me even if they see me at my worst. I don't really expect the same of my friends - don't know why. They have their own problems and issues - why should I burden them with mine? I will burden them some - with some shared experience (like grad school or whatever), but not as much as I expect of family and my significant other. I don't know if this is weird - I've been told I should put more into my friends. And I've been trying, but it's hard. I shy away quickly if someone says they have to go, or if I haven't talked to them in awhile, or if they start talking about themselves. I don't know if part of it is that I don't like the phone much. But yeah.

So that's why it's hard up here. I don't have people I feel really safe with. I have some superficial friendships. And I'm scared to dump on people too much or worry them. I try to deal with things, and things have to be taken with a grain of salt because I am quite up and down. I think really I'm bi-polar, but not an extreme case of it. All this seems slightly ironic given my recent discovery that what makes me happiest is people - close, shared experiences. I really enjoy people an their variety. I want to help people - that's why I like teaching. And people are interesting to figure out, and ever-changing, many dimensional. Ah, life is crazy. Still so much to figure out.

And btw - it's 56 degrees here! Very exciting. Hope I don't freeze and shatter!

So here I go - on with life's experience. G'day.