It's Not You, It's Me - aka I'm Broken

Well, the subject could be true, probably. Too many things swirling around in my head, but let me first tell you about my weekend.

Back in NYC - rainy NYC at that. Got up late Saturday. After moseying around the house for awhile, I finally got up and went out. I'd been craving a cinnamon bun-like breakfast, so I wandered awhile in the rain until I found one. You wouldn't believe how hard they are to find - danishs and bagels and muffins are easy... Anyway. Tasty treat, but sugary. And I find raisins very sweet. Anyway, I continued on my walk to Union Square for the fabulous Farmer's Market that I love so much. I don't know what it is, but really I found that that is a sure fire way to cheer me up - take me to a farmer's market where there's fresh, local, seasonal good stuff :-). Awesome. I can spend all my money there... Got some eggplant - going to try to cook it. My new experiment. I want to try brussel sprouts next. Oh and I had some nifty pear cider there. Ah, fall. Loaded up with good stuff (actually too much!), I bussed back home. Then left again for my afternoon adventure. I decided to check out the "Pier of Fear" that wasn't too far from my house - basically they had a "Halloween Haunted HOuse" of sorts. Of course it was free - that's the kind of activity I like. And it was the first haunted house that actually scared me - I was really impressed. Some kids were going - like 6-7 years old, and I can't imagine how THEY felt! So it was cool. They let you into a "building" called "Maximum Security Prison". You were lead into a pitch black room, then lectured on how you were in the prison system now and all liberties and freedoms were taken away. They owned you now. Then, oddly, through this dark prison maze you went, and you were once again considered a guest of the prison because one of the crazy inmates took one of us (who worked for the haunted house) hostage, and forced the guard to open up all cells in the prison. So the rest of the haunted house was us innocent folk trying to get out of the prison w/o being harmed. They had some neat rooms and effects - like the dentists room, the room where they did experimental dissections, the laundryroom with burning steam, the visitation room, the warden's office (he was dead of course), and the room with the electric chair. The prisoners were pretty creepy - one had on a Hannibal mask. So it wasn't just playing on startling you. Fun times. We made it out :-). Then I walked to see a movie - David Cronenberg's "Eastern Promises" with Viggo Mortensen. Although I didn't like Cronenberg's Existenz movie much, I really liked this one. Good story, good cast. About sorta the Russian mafia in London. Fun. Then I walked up to the 9th Ave restaurant row area. But that's a lot of walking let me tell you - from my place a couple of blocks up from Houston to 52nd! Google maps says it's over 3 miles, and I walked both there and back :-).

Anyway - dinner. So I wanted to try Afghan food becuase I'm weird about trying different cuisines. I went to an Afghan Kabob house and it was AWESOME! Not sure what made it different spice-wise, but the combo kabob plate I got (lamb, beef, and chicken) was fantastic. The flat Afghan bread was tasty, as was the rice and salad. I especially liked the sauces - they had a spicy red one that I really liked, and a yogurty one for the salad. Yum. But yeah - so explain this to me. So that is all I actually ordered - the kabob plate. I was toying with getting a side order of spinach, but thought the main dish would be enough food. But the waiter, who initially seemed the type to ignore me, kept bringing me free food! He misunderstood and brought an appetizer of sort of fried pockets of spinach which were awesome. Then he insisted that he'd just bring the cooked spinach side dish for me to try, on the house. Then I finished and thought that was it, but he put a dessert - some sort of thick pudding with pistachios on top - in front of me. I didn't ask for it. Then he insisted I get tea to help digest when I told him I was full. Everything was good, but I have no idea why he kept bringing me food. Took pity on the girl by herself? He only billed me for the kabobs, but what he brought was like worth twice that. So I left a good tip :-). Tho I was full, I had passed a Tast-D-Lite on the way up with Peanut Butter Fudge ice cream which I've been craving. So I had to get some on the way back :-). And lo and behold they had a lady playing a guitar and singing there for an hour - it was kind a coffee shop. So I stayed and listened for awhile. Then took the long walk back home. Nice day. But it was getting chilly!

So Since it's supposed to be sunny on Sunday, I plan to get up and bike ride. Which I do, however "sunny" doesn't mean "warm". It was actually very chilly and WINDY! Not the best for biking, but I made it :-). Went for just over 2 horus! Unwisely I went along the river which is worse for wind. But I wanted to check out the track next to the water down by Battery Park. It was pretty - with nice views of New Jersey. Then I biked up to Central Park because I also wanted to see the hall of Maple Trees in the pictures I bought. Finally found it (it's not really accessible by bike). It was pretty, altho sadly the leaves haven't changed yet. But it was nice - there was some benefit going on for urology and I got a free apple and banana :-). But my hands were cold and I was tired by the time I finished seeing the trees, so I tried to hurry home and took a very hot shower. And this is when I got out my scarf and gloves :-).

So I set off for another adventure: Jackson Heights in Queens. So it's a great place for food, so I've been told. I printed a list of the top 5 food carts in New York and they were all in Jackson Heights. There are a lot of other good restaurants there too, so it was nice to walk around - but not the nicest neighborhood. So I first walked through the Spanish speaking places - saw Cuban, Philipino food places. Looked interesting. I got a supposedly very good tamale here for $1.50 at a cart. It was tasty but not enough filling for me - mostly corn. Walking, I saw a Tibetan Yak food place. Then as I proceeded the signs changed to some Asian languages. Then Halal food carts - I got a chicken plate from Sammy's. I didn't eat it until later, but it was awesome - I got all three sauces - but I think I went overboard when I told him to put more hot red sauce :-). What is it with me and spicy lately? But anyway - kept walking around - got some roasted nuts :-). Then I hit Little India - seriously. Everyone on the street was Indian ALL OF A SUDDEN - these are micro-cosms. All restaurants were Indian and every store had beautiful saris or had Indian groceries (Patel Brother's - cracked me up). Then back to Roosevelt street, and we were back to Mexican sweet shops and the like. Very interesting area. Fun stuff. I got a Mexican dessert thing from a cart (not on my list) - like thin wafers, and she put homemade caramel sauce in a thin layer between. Tasty :-). So I took the subway back and ate my chicken dish in Washington Square park while watching some crazy people and listening to the pots and pans drummer guy. Interesting :-). Then I headed home via the grocery store - another good day. And I had a nice chat with my roommate that night. Just as we are becoming friends - I have to leave, boo. I wish I didn't have to move, but it'll be next Monday. But that'll bring me closer to Austin - only 5 weeks and counting folks!

I've been up and down lately, and in circles really. This weekend was hard because I am just lonely. I guess I just don't have enough people to talk to. It was hard to come back from vacation to sort of realize it really didn't matter to anyone that I was back. I mean - I still had a good weekend, just felt a little empty. I was happy to come back to work, but then realized yesterday I don't really talk to people at work either. Although I wore my new wool skirt which I like :-). And there were some good times - talking with Maria was nice. And I called Dad and had a really nice conversation with him last night. I think we are getting along better. Oddly enough I think I understand him better. Just thinking a lot recently about different interactions wtih different kinds of people - this isn't specifically about my Dad. And there are people that each of us are "rubbed the wrong way by" or we "speak a different (love) language". But just because different people show they love you in different ways (or they communicate in different ways) - maybe ways you don't understand - doesn't mean they don't love you. You just have to put more effort into understanding their language or way of communicating.

So here's the thing - again back to this: how much do you say "this is who I am", and how much are you willing to deconstruct yourself and change? I like to believe that I'm always out for bettering myself, for changing, but God it's hard. You can't just recognize flaws, or even be willing to be told your flaws. You have to pay attention to how they manifest themselves whether intentional or not, and then make a concerted effort to possibly change that. Or like if a way you speak seems aggressive to another person, or timid, or whatever they don't respond well to, and you find out - what do you do? Do you say "I'm aggressive, tough for them." Or do you want to interact with them in a more positive manor, so change how you speak only with them. Or do you change how you speak with all people becuase it could always seem aggressive to others. Do you analyze why you seem to be aggressive? These things that seem like our inate responses to things - to how someone speaks: are they changable? Yes, I believe, but it's difficult and not overnight and you have to weigh the benefit. Deconstructing yourself isn't easy.

And slightly on topic - I feel lost. I think I've communicated this before some, but I really do. And I try to do things to make this feeling lessened, but I think it's a systemic thing, not an immediate thing to be fixed. Also hard. On my marathon phone call with Naveen last night, he said he is basically too confident and needs to scale that back some. EDIT: Not scale back - confidence is good, but realize that being very confident isn't always the best strategy when dealing with all people. /EDIT The reason? Safety. I hope he doesn't mind me saying this, but this was a really interesting thing to me. He said he sees it being correlated with your parent's being together, and you having a strong, close support network. I took offense to this of course (assuming the implication that I didn't have these things, and thus not safety). But partly it is true. He has always lived in Illinois close to his family and most of his friends are there. He is very close to his friends - more so than me, and his parents are together. So I wonder if some of these things are the reason I feel lost. I do have a support network and it's been getting stronger - at least it was before I left Austin. And that's part of why I'm having a hard time now that I am away. Proximity matters. That's why I so desperately want to get back because that is one of the only things that'll make me feel better. And I want to create that safety around me back in Austin, too - it's not there by default. Because then maybe it'll be easier to deal with other things - everything. Maybe if I feel safe I can deal with criticism better, with judgment better. That came up last night too - I don't deal with judgment well, or people who have strong opinions and sort of dogmatically voice them. I like people who are outwardly more inviting, more forgiving, more accepting of people. So then I won't be judged harshly see :-). I won't be put into the "not good enough" or "bad" category. Don't know why I'm afraid of this. Don't know why I put up defenses and feel personally attacked by those people. Because they aren't personally attacking me just because they have strong opinions. I guess I sort of internally believe judgment is harsh - sort of a negative quality. But Naveen believes it is a good quality to have - you have to judge to know good from bad, to know what you want to be or who you want yourself to be surrouunded by. But I guess I feel threatened by negative judgments, and thereby I don't try to put those on other people myself. But they are not always bad, and they do not always reflect badly on me.

Anyway, I'm rambling and this is a long post. Of course I'm still struggling with all these thoughts, so if you have opinions on them, please let me know :-). I'd like to hear. And also if you have comments on what I could do for a day while in Philadelphia, let me know that too! I'm going to go back through there after visiting Christine (yay!) this weekend. Ok, back to being my broken self, at work.